lazywriter

The Pursuit of Happiness and Publication

2010-02-17T21:43:00.002-05:00

Thanks to my brilliant wonderful husband, www.oliviaghafoerkhan.com is up and running. And in connection to that, blog.oliviaghafoerkhan.com is up as well. This site and the connected blog are about writing. In the future, this blog will be more family related and less writing related. The following is the first blog entry from blog.oliviaghafoerkhan.com:

I talked to a fellow unpublished writer today who just received a rejection from two of her dream agents. Both agents complimented her writing, told her she had great talent, but said no. One sited the competitiveness of the market, then other said her characters weren't sympathetic. Having recently received my own painful rejection, i understood her frustration as she pondered why if her writing was good she couldn't get published after two years of submitting and editing.

May I comment here that the writers I follow for the most part go through many more years than this of rejection. I think why so many writers quit is because of these years of trial and error. Also all those well-meaning friends who say "Don't quit your day job" or "Trying to get published is like playing the lotto."

I have several friends right now who aren't writers, but who are having trouble getting pregnant. Some of them have actual fertility issues, but a few of them have no obvious medical problems. If motherhood is your life long dream, would you quit trying after two years? If writing is your life long dream, would you quit after two years?

Getting paid to make up stories and worlds and people is the ultimate dream job to many people. For others, a dream job may be being a CEO of a major company, owning a successful business, or holding a major political office. No one with any of these careers get there overnight. I know a woman who recently started an art business with her husband. It's been interesting to watch the dogged and persistent way that she has worked on networking this business. Realistically they realize this won't be an overnight success, and they've been planning this project for years. Most business owners accept that the first few years will be challenging, I think that it's important as writers that we recognize that as well. For every Stephenie Meyer, (who truly was an overnight success) there are dozens of Stephen Kings and Becca Fitzpatricks. I highly recommend reading King's "On Writing" to truly appreciate how much rejection he went through. Becca Fitzpatrick worked towards getting her debut novel published for five years, and as publication neared she did a stunning amount of self-promotion on her website. As I watched her different contests and blog entries as her publication date neared, I wondered if it would pay off for her. When "Hush, Hush" debuted at number ten on the New York Times Bestseller List, I silently congratulated her success, while making a mental note of her brilliant pre-pub work.

In the recent Will Smith movie, "The Pursuit of Happyness", the main character faced homelessness, poverty, and many crazy obstacles to be part of a prestigious unpaid internship. At the end of the internship, only three of the many perspective candidates would be offered a job. Most people would have passed on the internship, and taken some menial dead end job. Instead, Will's character sought out every possible way to give himself an edge. He pursued perspective clients doggedly, becoming a borderline stalker at points. He made connections, built relationships, and at the end got the coveted job. Now, personally, I wanted a bigger bang at the end, I wanted to see his son go to a nice school with no misspelled words in its title, I wanted to see him out of the homeless shelter and in a big house with a nice car, but I think the message in this movie is one as writers we should take to heart. We are doing our unpaid internship, learning the business and the craft, working to build the relationships that will hopefully one day lead to our dream job becoming a reality.

Keep pursuing.

Photos for Swamp Monster Book

2010-01-12T19:42:00.004-05:00

Back during our trip to Florida for Thanksgiving, we drove out to Madison, and I got some Five Hole pictures to share. This is one of the settings for my swamp monster book.

Things I'd Rather Do...

2010-01-10T20:36:00.003-05:00

There are many things I could/should blog about tonight, even some pictures I could share. Instead I'd like to share my list of things I'd rather do than wait for feedback from a literary agent. I love writing, I want to get published, but this process is PAINFULLY slow! So here's my list:

1. Read bad teen romance fiction.
2. Get a root canal.
3. Go through natural childbirth.
4. Listen to nails scratching a chalkboard.
5. Watch 80s soaps on TV.
6. Read bad teen romance fiction when I'm having a root canal done that happens to take place while I'm in natural labor in a hospital that plays 80s soaps on the TVs all day with a nurse who won't stop scratching the chalkboard with her long acrylic nails.
7. Write and edit 10 more novels.

I'd say all of these are easier than this horrible waiting process.

The good news? The Big Agent, the one I really want, liked my first chapter and wants to see 50 pages...

Oh, I hope I don't mess this up!

Let the torture commence...

memory

2009-11-08T17:44:00.002-05:00

It's been ten years since I left Madison County, and I really haven't missed it much. I haven't had much reason to return, and have only been back a handful of times. Faiyaz has been there twice I think...both times to visit a friend with me who lives just off the interstate. I grew up on what was termed 'roller coaster road', as I kid I lost at least ten dogs to teenagers and adults speeding over those two hills. I ran wild through the woods, I'd bike the 5.5 miles into town or the 6 miles to my friend Donna's house. We never had cable TV, and sometimes we didn't have AC in the summer. I wore ratty hand-me downs with bleach stains because that was all I had. I was never popular, actually the opposite. I would never move back to Madison, for a myriad of reasons. The biggest of these is race. Racism is still a major issue there, and that's something I don't want my amazing girls ever to be exposed to.

But as I've worked on this latest book, I'm finally appreciating the other-worldly beauty of the deep south. It's like writing about a foreign country. As I expose my main character, who is a 17 year old who has spend the last 13 years in New York to rattle snakes, swamps, and alligators, and tonight the bizarre practice of spraying hunting clothes with deer urine, I am missing Madison a little. I'm not a country music person, but tonight I've been listening to "Chattahoochee" by Alan Jackson. Very popular shortly before high school, I can remember a group of girls at Pinetta Junior High climbing on a bench and singing this song while dancing to it. I haven't thought about that for I can't count how many years.

Tonight I planned out a scene of my novel to take place on the Swanee river, at Five Holes in Lee. Five Holes is one of those off the charts hang outs you get in small towns. There are five connected sink holes, some with water in them, and a sandy patch on the edge of the river. Back when I went there, a giant rope hung from a tree limb, the end of which was knotted. You'd swing out over the river, and jump off. I remember the day I decided to swim across the river. I could see the far bank, it didn't seem that far, so I did it. The whole time the group I was with screamed for me to come back, I wouldn't make it, there would be alligators, there would be moccasins...after that day, every time I'd go I'd swim across the river. No one ever went with me, it was just my thing. I'm excited to use that place. "Chattahoochee", even though it's a different river and it's the story of a young man, is a great song for my experiences at Five Holes.

I feel like I'm a different person now. I think if I did revisit Madison at this point of my life I'd be more like my main character than someone returning after a long absence. I am glad that I'm recording snippets of what that part of my life was like, and what that place is like.

I just wish I had some photos to share with all of you of Madison. If I ever do go back, I'll be sure to pack my camera.

NaNoWriMo Update (aka: What Was I Thinking?)

2009-11-06T07:54:00.003-05:00

Ever since falling in love with the adventures of Meg Dare earlier this year, I've made it to a wonderful place, and into the best writing rhythm of my life. Namely, I always desire and am willing to write. Well, maybe I should rephrase that. I always feel the need and the urgency to write, thereby enabling me to take advantage of all the odd snips of time I can siphon out of a day. If Anjali is zoned out on TV and I'm feeding Nadira in the high chair (she now feeds herself, I just dump food on the tray) then I'm writing. If Anjali is at preschool and Nadira is napping, then I'm writing. If Nadira is napping and Anjali is absorbed in an art project or playing with her doll house, then I'm writing. If they are both in bed and hubby's working late as usual, then I'm writing. It's urgent. I must do it. You get the idea.

So when I found out about National Novel Writing Month, I thought that would be fantastic! After all, my usual word count commitment is 2000 anyway, writing 50k in a month wouldn't be bad at all, right?

I'd forgotten about the other thing that can happen with my little snippets of time I steal. They can all disappear. POOF! Kids can be sick, preschool can be closed, there can be a sudden shortage of sleep, there's an election and we have to go vote (after an annoying round of automated calls to remind us to go vote) the left overs in the frig can run out, roofers can come and bang on the roof right above Nadira's crib during nap time. The dog can chew through the cable wire, taking away the TV for two days and the repair guy can come right when both girls are napping and I am trying to write. He can then require a length explanation of what happened. (See those teeth marks? Hear the barking coming from the laundry room? What do you think happened?) Kids can coordinate waking up all night to ensure that mommy doesn't get a single moment of sleep. And everyone I've ever known can suddenly have the urge to call and catch up. Even mommies can get sick. And all of this, every bit of it, can happen in the first week of November, my first week of this writing insanity.

And because I've trained myself to 'feel the heat' when I give myself a deadline, and I've made this commitment to write this month, I've been pushing on. My house, spotless clean floors and all on Sunday, now looks something like a war zone. I've been blaming it on sick kids and being sick myself, but I think hubby's going to catch on soon that the real culprit is the writing (as usual).

Despite all of this, in four days my novel that I've been fooling around with for almost a month, has doubled in length. I'm now at 26,910 words, and I started at 13,148. Technically, I'm on track for NaNoWriMo, but because we're going out of town at the end of this month, I want to finish early.

So that's my update. That's the story of stolen snippets of time, sleep deprivations, kids dog and fate aligning against the writer, and the writer coming up victorious.

Now to try to get in my 3k for the day before anything else happens...

National Novel Writing Month

2009-11-01T15:58:00.000-05:00

So the goal is to write 50,000 words of a novel in a month, in this month, the month of November. I've been hyping myself up for this for a while. I'm doing my own variation of this because I want to keep working on my swamp monster book, so my goal is to add 50k to what I already have, which is 13,148. So my goal essentially is to get this book up to 63,148 by the end of the month...Those of you doing NaNo hard-core, don't black list me for this deviation! I jumped the gun a little, but I still plan to do 50k in a month.

So wish me luck...

Hush Hush

2009-10-26T19:43:00.004-04:00

Here's me and Becca Fitzpatrick's debut novel, "Hush, Hush". Why am I posting pics of someone else's book? Well, she's a new author, I believe in supporting new authors. This was an enjoyable book to read, so I'd thought it would be nice to share it with all of you. Oh, and she's holding a contest. :)
Seriously, contest aside, this is a book I'd be talking about. I think it's safe to say that fans of Twilight would also enjoy Hush Hush. And, most important for any novel, it leaves the reader wanting more. I think Patch and Nora's story, with the inherent obstacles to their relationship, is intriguing. This was a fast read, the action moves the story along at a nice pace, and it keeps the reader guessing.
Some explanation on the in air shots: I read on Becca's blog that the photo used on the cover was taken with the model jumping on a trampoline. So when I was trying to think of interesting shots to take with a book, that's what I came up with. Faiyaz was going to help me cut them, but that just didn't happen. All of you wonderful women who have children can guess the surprise I got upon jumping (I had no idea that was coming!)...yeah, if you've had a baby in the past year, stay off the tramp! I'm laughing in those photos, but believe me when I tell you they were very...uncomfortable...to get. Plus Anjali, and the two youngest of the great friend who let me use her tramp, kept wanting to join me! Don't worry, after three painful rounds of photos, I 'recovered' and let Anjali have a nice long jump. Then at home, Nadira couldn't resist posing with mommy (Anjali was asleep)

So that's Hush Hush, and that's me with Hush Hush. Enjoy the book!

Split Forehead and Split Ego

2009-10-15T21:49:00.002-04:00

Today began normal. Faiyaz sweetly made breakfast for the girls and let me sleep an extra 30 minutes because Nadira had be up all night. Then I got up, and he left for work. I doled out more eggs, then went to clean the kitchen up some. Anjali came in and asked for some cheese. I took out the cheese, cut her the usual four slices and put them in a plastic cup, handed it to her and then turned to cut a slice for myself. I had just taken a bit of cheese when I heard Anjali trip and fall on her way to the living room. Considering that Anjali trips and falls at least ten times a day, I didn't react immediately. Then she came into the kitchen saying she hurt her hand. I turned to look, and saw her face covered in blood...her hand was fine, it just had blood from her head on it. Dropping the cheese, I grabbed a handful of paper towels and folded them, then pressed them to the gash. Once the blood was mopped up, I peeked and saw that the gash was about half an inch long...but was split wide. More pressure and a call to Faiyaz. Then as I was trying to get the girls out the door I discovered Nadira had spilt water down her front...it was super cold outside this morning, so I changed her and got dressed. Luckily my lazy gene had kicked in last night, so the couch was buried in clean laundry to choose from, otherwise I would have gone to the ER in my housecoat. Anjali sat in the arm chair with the paper towel to her head while I got Nadira and myself dressed. Fai got here, we loaded up and drove to the ER. By the time she was seen she had eaten half a bag of marshmallows and was giggling at the doctor as her forehead was glued back together. Faiyaz stayed home, and today turned into a family day eating cheese balls in mommy and daddy's bed while watching Mary Poppins. She fell asleep in the arm chair downstairs. It's amazing to me, I'm still in a bit of shock, there's dried blood on the kitchen floor I need to clean up, and she's completely over it. Somehow, I've got to keep that glue dry for five days, but she's fine. Amazing. Kids are so...awesome.

I don't think I'll recover as quickly to my first rejection letter for the new book. It's silly, really. The first book racked up 80 rejections total, and I never felt so...deflated. And this isn't even the literary agent I want, the Big Agent I've mentioned, this is a small agent from an agency that just opened recently but has had good sells so far. I just met this agent in passing, and thought it worth submitting. I'd have been thrilled, of course, if this agent had wanted it, but still...why am I crushed?

It was a good rejection too, not a form letter, a real "this is why I'm saying no". The two problems the agent saw was that it was the first in a series (which from the conference I thought that would be a selling point) and the agent said I did too much telling rather than showing. Of course I immediately printed out the first chapter and curled up with it and a pen. According to "The Making of Shapely Fiction," there's a time and a place for telling. You wouldn't, for instance, spend two pages showing a minor character's personality in scene. However, it's always best to let the reader connect the dots. So I sat there, looking at the first five pages of the first chapter (which is what this agent saw) and thought "that's showing...okay, I tell there, how can I change that? does that need changing? What can that be? (scribble a few possibilities) okay, more showing, some dialogue, showing, oh I tell again-should I cut that or change that?" You get the idea. My conclusion? In those first five pages, I'd say it's about an even split, but those first five pages are a scene and a half. The first scene has people in it, but they aren't important people, they are people on a cruise ship that sinks. The cruise ship is important, the fact that it's sinking is very important. This is third person, in the Captain's POV...I think I give a good glimpse into his head, but not the way I would a main character...he doesn't pop up again after this scene.

My conclusion? I did find places that could be improved upon, that can be sharper, crisper, and more...immediate. More 'showing'. I think the major turn off wasn't showing versus telling, I think the thing that turned this agent off was it's the first in a series...and since I decided to pull a number out of thin air for this, I told this agent it was the first in a series of 8...I think 8 was a scary number. Plus I don't think this agent is a big fan of YA paranormal, when I met this agent I commented that I hadn't seen a lot of it on the list of book publications on the agency's website, and this agent said they did take it...but who knows? YA paranormal is an acquired taste...two or three years ago I'd never have thought I'd be writing it...but it's so much fun!

So my plan of action is to give it another round of editing, tidying up the language here and there (this will be draft 7 for those keeping count) and never again say it's the first of eight. I hope to submit to the Big Agent next week.

Here's hoping...

Making of Pumpkin Pie

2009-10-07T19:50:00.004-04:00

Anjali, Nadira and I made pumpkin pie today. It was a blast! I wanted Nadira to be part of the action, so Anjali explained to Nadira how to mush up the crust and all...A three year old teaching a ten month old how to make pie crust has got to be the cutest thing ever! So I'll let these pictures tell the rest of the story, and then I'm going to go get myself a piece of that pie...

A Scene from the Distraction Project

2009-10-04T22:27:00.002-04:00

Here's a little piece from page 8 I like...makes me think of home...not perfect, first draft, but still:

Suddenly, something in the dirt moved. It writhed. By the time my eyes adjusted, there it was, a huge snake curled up in my path ready to strike. It didn’t matter that I had no knowledge of snakes, I knew this one. A rattlesnake. Its tail quivered rapidly, filling the still morning with its husky racket. I’ve never heard anything as creepy sounding before in my life. I froze. I couldn’t think. The snake was only two feet away, and the only thing in my hand was the water hose. The snake seemed to realize its advantage. He started to pull back, his bared fangs glittering in the sunshine.
“Step back,” commanded a voice near me. “Slowly.”
I obediently slid one foot back, then the other. Unfortunately I forgot about the water hose for a moment, as I moved back the direction of the water shifted, and hit the agitated rattler in the face.
The snake lunged. I screamed. And from somewhere next to me, an ax came flying down. I was frozen again, my eyes closed tight. I heard a low thud, then silence. No wicked rattle. Tentatively, I opened my eyes.
On the ground at my feet, just inches from my sandals, writhed the remains of the snake, cut it two. Its evil fangs still snapped aimlessly around, clear liquid oozing from its mouth. I assumed this must be the venom.
I felt something on my arm, and jumped. Then I saw him for the first time.
He stood next to me, pulling my arm to make me step back. He still held the ax. Once I was out of the way he stepped forward. Very carefully he put his booted foot down on the viciously biting head of the snake. The rest of its body still thrashed wildly, splattering blood on his boat and his perfect worn jeans that clung just right…a few feet away the snake’s tail still whipped around, but it was starting to loose some of its momentum. I looked up into my hero’s face, it was sun browned with a healthy sprinkling of freckles. His hair a light sun bleached blond. His eyes, blue like mine, studied the snake beneath his foot. He placed the ax on its…neck? I’m not sure if snakes have necks…then he paused.
“Think you can swing this straight and not cut off my foot?” he asked me. His voice…it had a faint twang to it, but it was not unpleasant. In fact I found it rather appealing. I opened my mouth, but no words came out.
He took this as a negative, and dropped the ax in the dirt. Out of his amazing jeans he brought out a pocket knife. He opened it, then bent down to cut off the serpent’s head. I could hear the knife cutting through the snake skin and flesh…the sound gave me goosebumps.
Then it was over, and he lifted his boot. The head still opened and closed, biting the dirt.
“I’d put on some shoes if you’re going to stay out here. He’s going to be snapping like that for a few more hours.”

Never Library Hungry...

2009-10-02T09:58:00.002-04:00

I'm a book person. I do research on the internet when I have to, and I recognize its merits, but I love having a tangible book in my hands...these too are going digital, but I just can't picture myself with a digital book...I know they can hold up to what? 60? 200? Novels? And yes, that would be so cool to have that many books with me...but I just don't see it. I like to turn pages, I like watching my book marker move through the pages...

So it's no wonder that when I'm worried or stressed or overwhelmed, I head to the library. When we were potty training and things weren't going well, I checked out every book remotely related to potty training...When we moved to Virginia, I got my library card before my Virginia Driver's license...When I did that nanny job in Long Island, I had to borrow my employer's card, but I reread all the Anne of Green Gables books in the three months I had that job...When I moved to Tallahassee the summer before my senior year in high school, I checked out stacks and stacks of books. No friends, but lots of books...

So yesterday after getting my foot x-rayed, I noticed that I was very close to one of the larger libraries...and since I had a babysitter, and could browse without annoying my three year old and without my infant trying to pull things off shelves, I went.

And here's what I got:

A Lonely Planet guide book to Thailand, for research purposes.
2 YA books, one of which I've been meaning to read and one that just looked interesting.
And four books on writing...
-The Spooky Art by Norman Mailer
-Writer Mama by Christina Katz-looks very cute
-Write Mind by Eric Maisel, PhD-This one is full of tidbits like "don't think: I would secretly like to kidnap and torture a literary agent, but do think:Literary agents represent projects they think they can sell. Nothing could be less mysterious or more impersonal" No, I'm not at the wanting to torture someone point, but everyone can use a pep talk every now and then, right?
-And a generic sort of books on what agents are looking for and how to do a query letter. Couldn't hurt...

So seven books, and I'm going to read them all! So far the Norman Mailer book is really good...at least I have three weeks to read them.

The sad thing? I stopped myself from grabbing about ten other books as well...this is why you never library hungry...

Writing...again...

2009-09-30T20:12:00.002-04:00

I think all the editing, the proofreading...and the plotting of book 2 has fried my brains a bit. And if I let myself think about it...really think...about what I'm doing and what the next step it...I get this sick sick sick feeling in my gut. And that sick sick sick feeling in my gut makes me think I'm pregnant, so then I run to the dollar tree, buy a pregnancy test, only to discover yet again I'm not pregnant I'm just freaked out about this 'big agent' who has requested my work actually reading it.

I think it's from all the rejections from my first book. Agents have become 'the enemy', the 'killer of dreams' the bizarre yellow sticker on my query letter that reads 'sorry not for us'. As I prepare my manuscript to send off to this 'big agent' my confidence level is 0. I'm just wondering in what form the rejection will come. Sticker? Postcard? E-mail? Months of no communication?

So I edit, I polish, I second guess every scene, character, plot development and setting that I use, and the whole time I have this nagging doubt that this will be yet another rejection. Only this time it's from 'big agent', the agent I really want, the one I've researched a lot, the one I covet...

Because of this, my mind has cracked a little. I'm still researching Thailand, specifically Chiang Mai, where book 2 -Path of the Guardians, will take place. But my mind has fled the building. My brain has turned off to the adventures of Meg Dare, and are instead focused on a character named Scarlett...

The new book, of which there are currently five pages is what I'm calling a Southern Gothic Young Adult Paranormal...where a 16 year old girl from the Upper East Side who just moved to Madison Florida with her superficial mom...there will be a hunky farmer boy and a swamp monster...and it's in the dreaded first person that I hate...Sounds promising? I think so too...

A Pity Party

2009-09-29T11:02:00.002-04:00

It takes a certain kind of person to fracture a toe by falling down the stairs. I am that certain kind of person.

So this is my pity party, I felt like throwing myself one. There are people from the ward I could call for help, but I just don't feel like asking for help. I want my dad here. Faiyaz has to work, he's nearing some inexplicably important deadline, so since I can't have him I just really want my dad here and that's the one thing I can't have. He can't afford a plane ticket, and we can't either. So here I am. My kids are running wild, Anjali has taken over the dining table with art stuff and Nadira is crawling around pulling books off the book cases and eating crumbs. And here I am, trying to edit/write and it is so not working. I can't think because of the pain, I can't take the 'good' painkillers because I'm still breastfeeding, and if I did get to medicate myself I wouldn't be able to write anyway because I'd be so drugged up! So here I am, throwing myself a pity party. I can't clean even though my house is on the verge of being condemn. I have nothing new to read, I haven't been to the library in a week, so I only have the old familiar titles on my shelves which are usually a great comfort, but since I'm in pain I need something fresh to distract me.

Thank goodness Faiyaz let psycho dog out before he left from work, and then locked him in the laundry room. One less animal to worry about stepping on my toe...the girls of course are still running wild, and seem to like to play dangerously close to my foot...at least nap time is eminent.

mixed feelings

2009-09-24T09:49:00.002-04:00

I'm feeling angry and bitter towards my book. Up until recently, I've had such a blast writing and editing this book, I love the story and I think it has great potential. But recently I've started thinking a lot on the amount of time and energy I've put into it that could have gone to something else, to my home or family or towards a job that would actually pay.

Yesterday was the worst. I actually thought about deleting the whole thing. Then, while I was giving sweet Nadira her bath, I came up with an idea for another book. Yep. Also YA. The whole premise, backstory, characters, plot, even the main character's voice. I need to write the sequel to this book first, but then there this bright shining idea...and the thrill that comes with such an idea...

And late last night I knew that regardless of what happens, I'm going to be writing. I can't stop. I won't sleep well until that bright shining idea is on paper, and then there will always be another one...

There are many reasons why I write. Most basic is that books are so vital to me, so connected to every major even in my life. They've helped me through so much, guided me almost. The best comfort in the darkest hours of my childhood, there at a time when I was completely alone. But that's another blog all together.

So today I'm thinking about multitasking, and I'm thinking about editing.

Editing to me, is polishing. Have you ever seen a raw diamond, fresh out of the earth? It's not very pretty. You know it's valuable, it is after all a diamond. But to get it to the point that others see its worth, there's a lot you have to do to it. Finding the diamond was the easy part. Now it has to be cleaned, cut, polished. Yes, sometimes you add scenes, but for the sake of the diamond analogy, we'll just call the additions the polishing process. You lose things. As you work on your novel, it changes shape, and may lose some of what you love about it. As a diamond is cut, diamond dust and little diamond chips get cut away. But this is necessary to bring out the beauty of the diamond. For me, this process takes much longer than writing the first draft, and I can't do it alone. Recently a writer friend of mine talked about her process, how she does all the edits in one sweep. Amazing. That's part of this too: Every writer has to find the process that works best for them. There is no right or wrong here.

Now multitasking. Here's a list of things I've done while writing/editing my novel:

-eat
-feed Nadira in a high chair
-painted with Anjali
-helped Anjali with puzzles
-nursed Nadira (while writing a scene, not editing)
-used a breast pump (yeah...)
-retrained the dog to sit (he likes to forget that command every few months)
-talked on the phone to: telemarketers, family members, friends, my husband, I have even done editing while on hold with the doctor's when making an appoint...if you've talked to me in the past few months, and I've sounded distant, I was probably working on the book.
-peeled potatoes while editing

I eat all my meals at this computer while editing. This machine comes on first thing in the morning, I'm back and forth to it all day. Rarely do I have uninterrupted stretches to write, but that's okay. I am the queen of the multitask.

That's all for now, I'm sure that's more than enough...

Back from Conference and ALIVE!

2009-09-14T21:17:00.003-04:00

"New York...can destroy an individual, or it can fulfill him, depending a good deal on luck. No one should come to New York...unless he is willing to be lucky." -EB White, 'Here is New York'

New York and I are in the middle of a lucky streak that I hope continues for a long long time. New York is where I met Faiyaz...New York is where I fell in love. New York is where I felt truly my own person for the first time, like I could go or do anything anywhere. I doubt I would live in/near New York, but I love the city. Especially early on a weekend morning when its waking up. Or when she's waking up, I like to think of New York as a woman, I'm not sure why.

The conference was...rough, but great. Just what I needed. If nothing else, the idea of 'high concept' has been permanently etched into my skull. It wad great to pitch a novel idea, and get to watch/hear those initial reactions. When you send out a query letter, you get the rejection slip but you don't see why. I've seen the why, and if nothing else I can write a better letter for it. I learned more about the pitch, vocal or written, than I ever have before and I've done some homework on it. I also met great people with great ideas, several of which I hope get published. I've expanded my writing network, which is something I'm working on now. Not being in school has limited the number of writers I rub elbows with, and I crave that now more than ever, I crave community and comradeship in writing.

I pitched my novel to four editors and one agent, all reputable, all well-established. One rejected me out right. Two have requested to see it. Verdict is still out on the last two. I'm in editing frenzy once more. I got fresh ideas, and I'm ready to use them. I'm in panic mode, I'm more freaked out than excited. It's so hard to get a request with even a great query letter, and I still doubt my abilities there, I want to make the best of this chance...

Seasons of Change and Possibilites

2009-09-04T08:27:00.002-04:00

Anjali is on the verge of starting preschool. I know she's ready, she's bright and engaging and loves social situations. She's strong and self confident, I have no fear that she could be bullied. And she seems to have outgrown our little routine here.

The weather is still cool, although it'll be in the 80s today for the first time this week. I think I can see the beginnings of a yellowish hew in the green leaves.

Nadira is...growing. She's still my little baby, but she's two days away from nine months and she can climb up two steps on the stairs now. I know that we are nearing the end of babyhood, and soon she'll be running around after her sister...sweet and sad at the same time.

I finished the third draft yesterday. So far everyone who has been so kind as to read and give me feed back seems to like it. There's less than a week until the conference, and I am so nervous just thinking about it. I feel this is a good, marketable book, but will someone want to read it? And if they read it, will they publish it? And if they publish it, will the advance be enough to pay off the minivan? And will they want the rest of the series? What if they don't like my book ideas for the rest of the series? Should I have the rest of the series outlined before hand, or at least the next book? Will the clothes I've selected and the business card and the nice CD Faiyaz is burning my book onto, will they show I'm professional and I take my craft seriously and I want it to be a business, or will it say I'm a raving lunatic with too much time on my hands?

There are other things going on too, doors opening, winds shifting, there is change in the air for my life, this season seems to be winding up...the only certainty is that my beautiful girls will keep growing and the leaves will turn gold and orange...for the book and the rest, I will just have to wait and see...

E-Day!

2009-08-31T08:55:00.001-04:00

Today is the day I'm going to start that all-important third polish of my Meg Dare book...I'm stalling right now. I'm going to start some laundry, then run some quick errands...not out of laziness, but out of hopefulness...my grandmother's comments are hopefully arriving in today's mail...if not, I'll start without them, but I really want to use them, so if I start today without, I'll have to do a second pass over once they come! I'm feeling Excited to Edit! Like, crazy excited! I've tried to start the outline for the next book, but am too distracted, too consumed with this one.

Today you can feel it, when Fai left this morning and I walked outside with him, the chill in the air...summer is ending, soon it'll be fall. I am sad, but it seems appropriate. I feel that my life is in a period of change, it feels right for the seasons to change too. This year I will take pictures of the beautiful golden leaves...

Mommy vs Writer

2009-08-14T20:32:00.003-04:00

Here are some pictures I used for inspiration/setting of my novel, Meg Dare and the Bermuda Treaty. These are all in St. George, Bermuda. They're also taped to the wall over my desk...

Another mom was asking how my book was going...and I gave her a brief run down (well, as brief as I ever am when talking about writing) Her reply: I'd love to write a book, but just don't have the time...

A teacher/writer I admire greatly (Julianna Baggot) said in one of her classes to always pay yourself first. It took me awhile to catch on to what that means. As supermoms, we always take care of...everyone else. I wanted to write this book, if I didn't, I'd be unhappy, if I was unhappy, I'm be a bad mom....So here's today, and a picture of me doing both (mommying and writing) We all multitask, I'd like to think I've become a master! (although writing does detract from housework...)

Last night: Nadira scream fest=1 hour of sleep.
6:30 am: Mommy, I'm hungry, can I watch a show?
8:00 am: Family prayer. Microwave pancakes, turn on computer. Start editing.
8:20 am: Stop editing, set Anjali up with watercolors, get more pancakes for Nadira, start editing
again.
9:00 am: Try to put Nadira down for a nap, clean up mess from water colors...find kid music and
less messy art project. Get self bowl of cereal and diet coke.
9:45 am: Continue editing while eating a clemintine Anjali peeled for me....seriously great
moment...
10:20 am: Do silly dance with Anjali, set up to nurse Nadira while editing, have to stop editing
suddenly b/c Anjali picked up closed water colors and they dripped...everywhere...
10:40 am: Find good show for Anjali, open yogart tube
10:55 am: Open another yogart tube
11:05 am: Realize I forgot to let the dog out...
11:30 am: On to second diet coke...and another clemintine...
11:45 am: Finish second draft of novel!!!!!!! Yep, yep. Do another silly dance with Anjali...

Celebration: We go to the post office, mail a copy to my grandmother, then paint the town! We hit the playground, the library, Chick-fil-a for an early dinner and ice cream, the play area at Chick-fil-a, then home again....

And I've discovered to get a tired Nadira to stop screaming, need daddy singing on speakerphone. Planning on making a CD for bedtime...when she out grows it, it can be used for blackmail...

Summer Photos

2009-08-14T19:56:00.004-04:00

I think this first picture sums up Anjali...yeah. These are the pictures from Hershey Park and Dutch Wonderland. The Princess, whose name Anjali learned is Princess Brooke, was extremely patient with Anjali, who was on the look out for her the whole day. And what does Anjali think of rollercoasters? She wants more! It always amazes me how incredibly fearless she is, an awesome kid for sure. And what about Nadira? I think she enjoyed it as much as any 8 month old could...

First Draft Done!

2009-08-09T17:33:00.000-04:00

I am on a writing High! I wasn't going to write today, I felt cranky and tired and my baby didn't sleep last night, but my plot kept nagging at me...yesterday I wrote about a thousand words, not much, and from that point I thought I had about two or three days worth of writing to do.

After only two hours of sleep last night, I stayed home from church and sent Fai with the girls, fully intending to nap. I got a text message that I wasn't babysitting today, and so I settled into my comfy bed...

Then I started thinking about Meg, and Read, and my plot, and this and that and next thing I knew I was at the computer. I wrote for a good spell, about 2,500 words in just over an hour, then went to sleep. Then Fai and the girls got home, and we did the lunch thing and everyone went to nap.

And I returned to my desk...and I wrote and wrote and wrote until.........

It's done! My first draft is done! I wrote a grand total of just over 4,000 words today, which is roughly 20 pages, and a big achievement! I feel elated, I feel jazzed, I feel like I want to run around my house screaming....

But everyone is still asleep!

So this is my big Hurray! Tomorrow I'm knocking the most common bit of writing advice, and skipping the cooling-off period and jumping right into my second draft. Mentally, I started my second draft about a week ago. I'm hoping to have it done soon, because I'm going to a writer's conference in New York next month, and want to take a third draft with me...

By the way, I'm currently recruiting readers for my second draft, to look through it and offer advice on how to improve it. Any volunteers?

So that's it, I'm very jazzed....

Do I Need To Go Goth???

2009-08-03T13:59:00.002-04:00

So I'm back, from an amazing weekend in Pennsylvania. Pennsylvania? Yep, Pennsylvania. And I want to go back. Apparently it's a touristy place. We went to Hershey Park, swam a lot in the hotel pool, and then went to Dutch Wonderland, a kiddie-centered theme park. Anjali had a blast, and Nadira seem to really enjoy the carousal and the train ride...pictures will be forthcoming, I hope...

Anyway, so I cranked up the computer and set to checking my e-mails before opening up my novel and starting my daily writing attempt...

And on facebook, a new friend of mine sent me a link to a new author's website. Her name is Becca Fitzpatrick, and her new novel, "Hush, Hush," will be coming out soon. It's YA, and it's about a girl who falls for a guy who's a fallen angel. So I read about her and her book, and she's got an amazing story, and I can't wait to read her novel. Look her up, I bet most of you would like her too. And on her blog there's this pic of her with one of the ARCs (Advance Reader Copies) of her book, putting in on her bookshelf with her other books, and there's all four of the Twilight books. And automatically I saw the connection.

Not only are these books YA, but they are also what I would term a modern form of the Gothic novel. I studied Gothic novels in one of my classes at FSU, basically it's dark and dangerous, with the main character in danger, and the male lead being a dangerous hero...You get the idea.

Here's why I'm bugged:

I love my book, I love my character, Meg Dare is not in danger, she doesn't need a hero, she's strong and independent. I don't want her to be rescued, she's the hero! There is a bad guy who might become a love interest in a later book, but he'll be part of a love triangle, and the good guy will finish first. The story, while rich in suspense and action, is not dark. This is not a Gothic novel, and right now YA gothic seems to be the hot selling ticket. I know they say you shouldn't write to sell, you should write what you love, but honestly I would love anything I'm writing, and I want this as a career, not just a hobby. I want people to read this stuff! And getting a little money would be nice, although I'm obviously not counting on that anytime soon. So I'm in love with writing YA now, I'm going to finish Meg Dare and keep working on that series, but then should I maybe go for YA Gothic? Is there a market for YA strong female lead with high adventure and suspense, sorta a cross between Nancy Drew and Indian Jones, with mermaids and werewolves and other creatures thrown in? Would you read that kind of book? Would you buy it?

There's my writing rant for today, now I'm going to go and try to write...and not spend any more time on Becca's website!

Query This!

2009-07-29T21:36:00.001-04:00

I've got a Query for you:

What's large, rectangular, cost about a dollar fifty, and contains about 25 pages of my sweat and tears?

It's a query with partial included! I'm looking at three of them, ready for the mail.

How many have I sent out? Let me count...

80!!!! I've slowed down a lot since I had to start paying for snail mail, but yeah, 80!

Favorite Rejection so far? My own letter, mailed back to me with NO! underlined twice written across the top. Yep, thanks. Some are better. Most are printed form letters. Once the rejection came on a small sliver of paper so tiny at first I thought the envelope was empty.

I hate the time I have to spend trying to sell my self. Those three queries waiting to be mailed took me over an hour to do. To find and read the info in Writer's Market, double-check on-line, and put the thing together and record it in my log. I hate doing queries. Love the writing, enjoy the editing, hate the queries.

Supposedly the first book is the hardest to get published. I hope that's true.

Obsession

2009-07-29T10:59:00.001-04:00

I am again in the stage of writing I call Obsession, at the point when all I can think about is writing. The story, the characters, have become almost real. All I talk about is the book, I'm aching for feedback. My kids are blissfully ignorant, I think, but poor hubby has noticed how quick I am to snap at him these days. The house is a sty. The dog is lonely. I need to either join a writer's group, or Writer's Anonymous, or maybe even check into writer's rehab...but not until I finish the book. I think a few people have stopped speaking to me because of the book, one friend now only texts me. Today I am babysitting a friend's kids and the little boy I usually babysit, and I know I'm not going to get to write...and it's driving me nuts!

Do have anything that you obsess over, that takes over your life?

High Lights

2009-07-16T12:44:00.001-04:00

Major Things:

Fai and I celebrated our five year anniversary. :)
Fai's Birthday-one of his co-workers babysat for us and we went and saw Harry Potter.

Baby Things:

Nadira is on the verge of crawling, she is so, so, so close! Today she also started trying to pull up.

Toddler Things:

Miss Anjali took swim lessons, very big hit. She is such a water bug! I wish I could get her in the water more often...

And, Finally,

Writing Things:

For our anniversary, Fai got me a desk top for my writing desk in the living room. I've been working on the laptop, but it's on the verge of death. I'm really liking my new work space, it's working out well so far. There are about seven chapters left of my book, maybe a few more. I think having an area to work on it downstairs will help me get it done.

And that's about it here. Things have just been very busy this summer.

Two of a Kind

2009-05-22T16:26:00.002-04:00

Yesterday, around 5pm, I found out that we were having friends for dinner, friends from New York that we haven't seen in...almost six years. Yeah. Luckily, when I asked if they'd prefer enchiladas or baked ziti, they said baked ziti, which meant Fai was cooking and not me! Yippie!

So after frantically cleaning the house and helping Fai (and by helping Fai, I mean burning the mozzarella, peeling it off, sprinkling new mozzarella on top and watching it melt...) I thought about the last time I'd seen this family...

It was at Uno's pizza in Astoria, Queens. Their son was four and they'd just found out they were expecting another...

So then they came, with this strapping, engaging ten year old, and a beautiful five year old daughter.

And that daughter and Anjali....yeah. You couldn't tell they were two years apart in age, they were best buds from the first second! We hadn't even made it into the living room before Anjali had showed her the basement and the two of them had started pulling up toys!

And the yelling! And the laughing! And the "I'm not your friend any more!" followed by the making up! Then finally, the hug goodbye....

Two of a kind, for sure!

And I now have a new appreciation for ten year old boys, he let those two little girls jump all over him! (Literally...)

Five little Positive Things

2009-05-19T21:06:00.002-04:00

So I've just come out of high-stress mode, and am still adjusting to everyday life. It's like when you've been in a car wreck, even when it's over your adrenaline is still going. Last night, as I was going to bed way too late (like, one in the morning!) I had a random idea. I turned on the light, grabbed the note pad I keep next to my bed, and jotted it down.

Five Positive Things.

Five goals that I though would make life a little happier. In the morning, when I looked at them again, I though perhaps I might have gone a little overboard. Seriously, how could I fit those five things into my already busy day? So I revised, and cut back a little. The same five things, only a little less.

Five Little Positive Things

For example, one of the original five was an hour of exercise each day. That's been changed to a little exercise each day. Today, I did twenty minutes on the treadmill. Not much, I know, nothing compared to what some of the more health-oriented of you do, but for me it's a start.

So far I've done three of my five things today, and I know I'll squeeze in one more today. Tomorrow, I'll strive to do all five. We'll see how that goes. So far, so good!

Little changes. Little things. :)

Respite

2009-05-13T21:21:00.002-04:00

Today I am grateful for little moments of peace.

This past weekend and Monday I moved my mother into assisted living. I also realized that she's developing some sort of dementia along with her MS. I don't think she recognized my sister.

Emotionally, this was a really rough trip to Florida. Financially, it was doubly hard. Our car died, and we had to purchase a new one. Time-wise, it was chaos. Like in January, I spent very little time with friends and family.

Then there was mother's day...

In the morning we packed up my mom's stuff, then went to have lunch with my grandmother and dad. That's when I got the call that she could move into the assisted living facility on Monday.

With all the immediate things cared for, we did something impractical...we drove down to St. George's Island on the Gulf Coast. My little sister, Caroline, who is 15, came with us.

My dad use to call 98 the Redneck Rivera. a winding stretch of highway with breathtaking views of the Gulf. And also of local color. Fishing shacks and piers, little mom and pop sea food restaurants, old motels. There's a restaurant there we're really fond of, we ate there on our honeymoon, it's called "That Place on 98". Yep.

Several years ago, the year Florida was cris-crossed by three hurricanes, this stretch of the panhandle took a real beating. It's been almost two years since we last drove down that way, and I was surprised that the scars are still there. In years past, that area rebounds quickly. Now there are building still boarded up, messages to God still spray-painted on the boards. Abandoned buildings, long stretches of land for sale, and there among it all, building. New town-houses, new rental property, new luxury vacation communities. The forgotten coast is forgotten no longer.

"This is good," said Faiyaz, "It's going to be great for the businesses around here."

I agree. But inside I miss the old coastline, the one that didn't look like a tourist attraction.

I love St. George Island, I love the sand, not too white, I love looking out at the wide expansion of water ahead, I love the waves, gently, but you can still feel the power behind them. It was late afternoon when we got to the public beach. The water was still a little cool. I thought Nadira would cry, but she seemed to love it. Anjali had a blast. My dad met us later. He cuddled with Nadira, and Faiyaz walked with Anjali looking for shells. I walked out into the water, as far as I could and still touch. I looked behind me, at my beautiful family, then out across the expanse of water. I was filled with gratitude, and sorrow. I thought about my mom, how much she use to love the beach too. About how much I do to help her, and all the things I can't help her with.

And I felt, as I always do in the Gulf, how small I am in this great big world. This is not a bad feeling, it helps me put myself and my petty problems in perspective. I love that kind of insignificance, of just being a spec in the large Gulf. Think of the Gulf of Mexico, it seems so large when you're in it, but when you look at a map, it's a small bit of water compared to the great oceans. So there I was, a spec in a small pool of water surrounded by the great oceans, on our planet that looks so small when you're far out it space. And it felt good. And I lifted up my feet, closed my eyes, and let myself float aimlessly for a few minutes, enjoying being a spec. I had come full circle. I was at the beach I had visited with my parents as a child, I was there as a parent with my children. I am the caretaker of the woman who once cared for me.

I thought about that a lot as I drove home. On road trips I always take the night-shift. I love how the interstate thins out at night, how it's just me and the road and whatever is on the radio. I talked with my dad at 2 am, he told me I'd make a great truck driver.

Confession: I dislike country music, but on long road trips, when I'm driving at night, I always listen to it, bellowing out the song in my own tone-deaf way. I think it's because most country songs have linear story lines that are easy to follow when you're tired, and keep your interest.

Today I'm disoriented. I keep thinking it's Tuesday, or even Monday. Over the past month and a half, I've spent so much time on the phone trying to set things up for my mom, and so much time just worrying about my mom, it feels strange to have that done with. I'm still worrying, worrying how long shell get to stay there, worrying where she'll got next, but I know this is needless worry, and it doesn't have the same urgency.

Soon I'll start working on my book again. Things are going back to normal. There's laundry to fold, dishes to do, and a whole lot of unpacking.

More Complaints

2009-03-23T17:18:00.002-04:00

So my mom is getting evicted...yep. And guess who has to deal with it? Yep. I'm tired of bailing her out, very very very tired. I know that she's...insane, but right now I'm so frustrated with her. It feels like she's messing things up on purpose. I was just down in Florida, fixing her life for her, making it so she could live in that apartment a little longer, and here we are. All that time and money, thrown down the drain. And all the lies! All the lies! It makes me sick to my stomach just to think about all the lies.

So now I have to find an assisted living facility that has space and takes medicaid. Otherwise, she will be homeless on the street. Yep. If you know my mom, then you understand there's no way at all that she could live with me. None. So here I am. And I have to fix this, she is my mother. In spite of everything, she's my mom, and I have to find a way to help her.

A Hard Day in Mommyland

2009-03-16T21:44:00.002-04:00

Granted, I really don't have much to whine about, but I'm going to indulge myself in a little complaining nonetheless.

It's been a hard day in Mommyland. Fai, the fearless provider, left early and is working late, which means, in an hour or two, I and the little ones will be tracking it on 95 into Alexandria, so none of us will get to bed earlier than 1 am. (except, of course, the little ones who will sleep in their car seats and be up all the earlier tomorrow) Nadira was up at 1:30 this morning, then both Anjali and Nadira were up at 7am. 7am is early to me. We were out running errands all morning. I signed Anjali up for preschool (she'll be going three days a week starting in Sept) which she is super excited for, then I had to do the grocery shopping and get gas. By the way, grocery shopping today meant going to four different stores. Yep. Two kids, two car seats, four stores. PLUS when Anjali was sick and I washed her carseat, I put the two seat belt halves in backwards, which means to get it in you have to twist the bottom buckle around backwards, and it's next to impossible to unhook. So I hurt my thumb fighting with the silly buckle.

The highlight of my day was the optimism I had-Faiyaz said he'd be home early, and cook dinner. So exciting. I defrosted the chicken as asked, and bought the eggplant. One big thing I didn't have to worry about. And at 8:15 (I thought Fai would be home by 8 at the latest) I called, and found out that he would be working extra late, and here I am with no dinner for him tonight or lunch tomorrow (he always gets left overs for lunch) Granted, not a big deal, but Fai just started a diet, and was doing super well on it, and now who knows what he'll have for lunch? He's fine with this situation, but I'm stressed for him, does that make any sense?

And the true annoyance? Lack of writing time. Anjali and Nadira sense when I'm really into writing, and that's when crisis strikes! ARRRRGH! I feel like I'm being selfish, I know in a few years (longer, depending on how many more kids we have) finding time to write won't be so hard, but I want to write now! I'm in the middle of a project I'm really enjoying writing, it's a light YA piece, nothing important, but it's fun, and I want to work on it! I truely am trying to keep this in perspective. And I do appreciate the stress and preassure of Fai's job. (that's another rant all together) This has nothing to do with him. This is me, trying to remember to be happy in the season I'm in. It's short, I know it is. I got some perspective tonight after I gave Nadira her bath, and I held her close and smelled her clean hair. Nice, very nice. I truly thought the all-day me alone thing would end with Fai graduating and getting this job. Everyone at the USPTO says the first few years are tough, and it is a good, stable job with good benefits and good pay. I see the benefits, I appreciate the demands of a new career, but it feels like it's always going to be 'a few more years' of toughing things out. I'm tired of us toughing it out, I want us to just live and enjoy! I want Fai home at 6, the kids in bed at 8, and the weekends to be stress-free. And I want three hours to write, everyday. Sigh!

I'm going to go cuddle a baby, then I'll feel better.

Truthfullness

2009-03-13T16:18:00.002-04:00

I told myself while I still worked in childcare that I would always be truthful with my children. No cute nick-names for body parts, where babies really come from, etc. Not that I've explained sex to Anjali, but she does know that Mommy's and Daddy's love made Nadira, that she grew in Mommy's belly until she was ready to come out, and she knows how she came out. A bit much for an almost-three year old, huh?

so Tuesday, when Anjali was super sick, and we took her to the Dr, and the Dr wanted to have labs done on her, I told her truthfully what would happen. Then, later, when we got the phone call to take her to the ER for fluids, I again told her truthfully what would happen at the hospital. Wow. Poor baby. She was so upset, and when they were putting the needle in, she kept crying "please! please! don't hurt me! please!" Talk about breaking your heart!

Then they taped it down, and Anjali laid in bed, looking at her hand. Slowly she stopped crying. Moments after that, she seemed better, and started chatting happily and telling us about the 'water' going through the IV into her hand.

Maybe I shouldn't have told her what would happen at the lab, or at the ER. Maybe the build-up and the tears in the waiting room could have been avoided. At the ER waiting room she kept saying over and over again that she wanted to go home.

The plus side of this truthfulness is that while we were in the ER and she was getting fluids, Fai and I, feeling extremely guilty, promised to get her a present, that she could pick it out. And she remembered. And so, at three am, we were at Walmart, in the toy section, and despite mixed feeling on my part, Anjali got her very first Barbie doll. Yep, we've entered the world of Barbie. And because we felt very, very, very guilty, she now has a total of three Barbies and one Ken. One of the Barbies is a Pediatrician, so that's kinda cool. They had an Astruanaught Barbie and a President Barbie, but she wasn't interested in those.

The next day, after the ER, we went to check out a Preschool near our house for her. As we got out of the car, and Anjali looked at the unfamiliar building, she asked, "Will they hurt me?" and so I explained where we were, what we were doing, and that no one here would hurt her. She immediately felt secure, and held my hand as we walked up to the school. I don't think it would have been that easy if she didn't have confidence that I would be truthful with her. It's a tough one, do we sugar coat the world for our kids, or do we tell them the truth even when it's a little scary? I'm going to keep being truthful, even though it means that when we're in the grocery store and someone stops to admire Nadira, Anjali will proudly explain how she grew in Mommy's belly, and came out of her 'gina. (thank goodness most people don't know that means 'vagina'!)

Yawn!

2009-03-13T10:11:00.002-04:00

Rough week, poor Anjali had a stomach virus, and we ended up in the ER with her. She's pretty much at the top of her game again, thank goodness.

Nadira spent the last two nights in the crib in Anjali's room. Soon I'm going to dismantle the bassinet. She slept until almost 8 this morning, and happily played with her toes while I gave Anjali a quick bath (someone had an accident last night.)

New book is going great, I've cleared a hundred pages and am about a third of the way through the plot. My writing has slowed down a lot with Anjali being sick, but I'm going to try to pick up the pace some today.

Virtual Life

2009-02-25T14:41:00.002-05:00

The main reason I hate Virginia isn't the stinking cold, or the income tax, or all the harassment before the election. The main thing I hate about Virginia is the not having friends here part.

As most of you know, it takes me a long time to get close to people. Most of my friends now I knew for years before we actually became friends. There are, of course, a few shining exceptions, people I just clicked with automatically. Thank goodness for the internet, so I can keep up with everyone. Between the blog, e-mail, myspace, and facebook I've been able to keep up with everyone who matters. Unfortunately, that's all I seem to have right now.

And the one thing I hate about being a stay at home mom is the lack of contact with the outside world. There are no outlets to meet people. No coworkers to get to know, no classmates to go out to lunch with after lecture. Even at the playground, you might chat for a few moments, but that other mom is focused on her kid (as are you) and most likely already has a life and friends so the stranger in the park isn't a priority for befriending.

And then there' s the women at church. Don't get me wrong, I love church, but when people at church are nice to me, I'm always wondering if they are nice because they're interested in me as a person or if they're being nice because they are supposed to be nice. I don't want to be someone's pity friend. I have wonderful friendship qualities, I'm loyal, I'm funny, I listen well. I am not pity-friend material!

I think I'm going to have to take a class or join a book club or something just to get some adult interaction besides Faiyaz. And with anyone I meet in that kind of setting, if they try to befriend me at least I'll know it's not out of pity.

Other than that, I'm doing great. The new book is chugging along. Anjali is smart and fun. Nadira is growing so fast it makes me want to cry. Soon I'm going to be packing up the 0-3 month sized clothes, she's getting too long for them. It feels like she's growing up faster than Anjali did. I think that's because my time is divided between the two.

Scratching

2009-02-18T18:34:00.002-05:00

Sorry for the title, but if the desire to write is an itch, then doesn't it follow that the act of writing is then scratching?

I feel on fire. I didn't get to write this weekend, poor Fai had to work, but yesterday and today have been good. I successfully coordinated the nap times of the girls, and last night I sat up till almost midnight working. I'm writing hot and it's coming out good!

I'm finishing off a collection of essays on writing, then I'm going to force myself to finish King's "On Writing" (the beginning didn't really interest me) then I'm going to reread "Letters to a Young Poet" and then "The Power of Myth". Basically I'm emerging myself in everything that makes me want to write more. I've also got out my Rumi poems, and I might be watching "Little Women" soon.

I'm living it, and breathing it, and eating it. Life is going on around me and I'm in that too. I'm snuggling Nadira and I'm reading to Anjali. I'm keeping the house {relatively} clean and I'm doing the errands like salting the sidewalk and going to the post office. I'm alive and functioning and on fire with words. When I'm not writing I'm planning. I think I'm on the verge of what Julianna Baggot once told me. She told me her writing process is interuption. In one of her classes at FSU, she commented that if a writer said they were going to India for a year, their friends would say "wow, what a great book you'll get out of that" but when a writer has kids, other writers look at that as something that will somehow detract from their writing. Julia is relatively successful as a commercial writer, a literary writer, and also as a children's writer. She's one of my role models, she wrote her first two novels as a stay at home mom while her husband worked as a lawyer. Now they live off of her writing. They have four kids. I love that.

So there's my obsession. Whether or not it's publishable is yet to be seen. My goal is a first draft by April 1st. April is national write a book month. I'm turning it into my edit a book month.

"Woman is a ray of God.
She is not that earthly beloved:
she is creative, not created."
-Rumi

One day I will go outside and read Rumi at the top of my lungs completely naked. That is how good poetry should be read.

Cliff Jumping Dog and a New Itch

2009-02-13T10:10:00.002-05:00

I've been waiting for Fai to put pics on the computer, but they'll just have to come later.

Monday Fai thought he had an ear infection, so he called out of work and made a doctor's appoint. The doctor couldn't see him until after four, so we had the whole day together. It was unusually warm, it made it up to 68. So we loaded up the kids and the dog and headed to the State park near our house. Because we are in a Honda Accord at the moment, Langston (the dog) had to ride in the floorboard between my legs.

I put Nadira in her sling, and we went down one of the walking trails. The park was desserted except by the river where people were fishing. So once we were well down the trail, we let Langston off his leash. He looked like a horse galloping through the leaves and the undergrowth. Then we came to a deep ravine. A sign said it was from where the railroad had cut a path through a big hill. The railroad was long gone, and what was left was an almost verticle drop of at least fifty feet. We followed the path along the edge up to a sort of look out point from which we could see the river. As we started back, Langston walked right along the edge. And then he fell. We rushed over to see Langston calmly walking on the bottom. He saw us, wagged his tail, and ran up the steep wall. We were amazed. We walked on, Langston still near the edge. Suddenly he just jumped off. In this area, however, the wall of the cliff was clay. Before it had some stuff growing on it and trees and leaves and things to get a foothold on. Now it was just clay. Langston tried to scramble up for close to half an hour. He'd start up, chunks of clay flying off behind him, and then slide back to the bottom. Finally he followed me back to an area with footholds, and he made it up.

It was a wonderful, beautiful day, the kind in which nothing mattered but being together. It was a two mile walk. We also played at the playground and walked along the Potomac.

That writing itch, it's back. Still no publisher for the first book, but I've almost finished my character sketches for my new book. Three more to go. Then I'll do my outline, then my working outline, then I'll start writing! It's hard now with two kids and Faiyaz on a somewhat regular work schedule, but I'm sneaking in a minute or two here and there. If Fai gets done everything he needs to at work today, he's going to take over with the kids all tomorrow, after church on Sunday, and all Monday for me to get a jump-start on my first draft. I'll only have to stop to eat and feed Nadira. He offered to give her bottles, but then I'd still be stopping to pump, so I might as well feed her, right? Well, that's if he gets everything done. If he doesn't, then he'll have to go to work tomorrow and all, and it'll just be me and the girls. Either way, I'll find the time. This book is going to be YA, a genre I didn't think I'd write in, but I've got a good idea and I think it'll be fun to write. Just doing the character sketches has been a blast. And my sister, who is turning 15 this month, has agreed to read it when I'm done, so I'll get the opinion of my target audience. :) So we'll see how this goes. I love this writing itch! This all-consuming desire to get it down and get it down just right.

So that's all. I'm now planning a bungy-jumping trip for Langston, he liked cliff diving so much I'm sure he'd love it!

Frozen Diaper Wipes

2009-01-16T19:48:00.003-05:00

Ever since Anjali was a baby, I've always left the diaper bag in the car. Always. That way, it's always there when I need it.

Last night it got down to 6 degrees. So today when we got all bundled up and went to the bank, and Anjali had unidentified sticky stuff on her face, and I pulled the wipes out of Nadira's diaper bag to wipe her off, I found a pack of frozen wipes, a diaper wipe brick, if you will. When I pulled one out, diaper wipe ice chips flew out of the bag.

I hate the cold.

The Anniversary I Forgot.

2009-01-15T09:57:00.002-05:00

I'm shame-faced this morning, seriously.

This morning Fai and I woke up this morning before the baby and before the alarm clock. We laid in bed and cuddled. It felt so warm and safe under the blankets with Fai, I was just about to doze back off when he said...

"Do you know what today is?"

"Hmmm? Thursday?"

"Do you remember what we did on this day?"

I started wracking my brain. Married July 10th, Met April 20th, what other anniversaries did we have? Baptized Dec. 28th, just different years....

"Look under your pillow."

Under my pillow I found two lumpy red packages. I unwraped them, and one was a red knit hat, and the other a red knit scarf.

"Today is our anniversary."

I looked at him, the wheels turning in my mind but not making the connection.

He laughed at me. "Four years ago we were sealed."

If I were on the desktop, I'd put up the pictures from our sealing, but instead I'll share a few of my favorite memories of that day.

We'd been married six months. We still lived in that little apartment on Park. We were in that glorious stage of newlywed life known as "broke broke broke". We drove to Orlando in the wee small hours of the morning on the 14th to recieve our endowments.

We didn't have escorts, so President Austin had his in-laws, the Belnaps, escort us. I was nervous that I didn't know them, but Sister Belnap immediately treated me like an old friend. We spent the night at their home, and the next morning we went to be sealed. Dan and Marianne were there, and Marquesas and Drew, although Marquesas had to wait outside. It was a typical Janurary day in Orlanda, in the 60s. After our sealing, we all went out to eat, and then everyone else headed home and Fai and I went back to the temple to do another session. It wasn't a busy day, and I remember how sweet it felt sitting next to him in the Celestrial room. we didn't have any deep conversation, or an incredibly spiritual experience, but rather we sat and smiled and whispered softly.

So this morning in bed in freezing Virginia we smiled and whispered softly, enjoying a few moments together before he had to hurry off to work and I had to get up with Nadira. After he left, as I laid there feeding Nadira I thought about first experiences, and how different going to the temple will be for Anjali and Nadira. They won't drive there alone, the experience will be a family one. I'm glad that I will be there with them, and I'm so glad they're growing up with the gospel in their lives. At the same time, I'm a little sad for them. I know they'll one day have their own testimonies, that they'll have to discover it for themselves, but at the same time they won't have that same experience of discovering the gospel, of knowing what life is like without it, and then to suddenly have it there.

Next time I leave my nice warm home(assuming I do so before June), I will wear my hat and scarf. I think they'll look really good with my cordoroy jacket...

The Power of Rant

2009-01-12T11:38:00.002-05:00

So I've had lots of friends talk about endurance, patients, tolerance, acceptance. And I've heard talks at church about enduring to the end. Now I do agree with this. I do believe that it's important to bare our trials with patients. However, I also believe that when we're at that breaking point, when we're completely fed up, we have to have humor about our trials as well. How do we do that? How do we laugh at our problems, when we're in the middle of them? A good rant.

I believe in the power of rant, and I use it. When I'm just so frustrated that I can't take it any more and I'm at my breaking point, I call a good friend, and I rant. This rant will last five, ten, maybe fifteen minutes, and usually ends with both of us laughing at the problem in question regardless of what it is. That's when I can stoically pick myself up and carry on with the processes of "enduring to the end".

What is a rant? It's just getting stuff off your chest. It's getting to the point where you can start a fresh. Frustration builds up like steam in a pot of boiling water, eventually it has to come out. Once the steam clears out some, then you can see the humor in the situation.

Brief example of a rant:

So when I lived in Florida with roommates, we went out west for a wedding. The reception was in Idaho, we left at like ten pm. It was May. May to me means the beginning of summer, good time to go to the beach. Yeah, we drove through a blizzard for TWELVE HOURS. Then we had to walk through the snow to get to the bathroom at the rest stop. We were all wearing FLIP FLOPS. Yeah. Then in Kansas, we had car problems, and ended up walking through a Super Walmart for SEVEN HOURS. Did I mention that we had to be home by Monday? First day of the Summer semester (yeah, that's right, SUMMER, not the time for blizzards) plus we all had to be at work on Monday. So we're in Walmart, and one of my roommates buys some strawberries and offered me one. It was moldy. It was just that kind of day. So finally we're on the road again, and everything going fine until Alabama. In Alabama two of my roommates got into a huge screaming match in the middle of the parking lot, and we all were tempting to just get out of the car and let the owner drive home by herself. Then we got back in the car, and drove the last five hours in dead silence, no talking, no radio. The worst road trip ever. When we finally did get home, everyone scattered and I locked myself into the bathroom for a three hour bath.

After having a good rant about this experience, it became one of the funny stories I like to share. Faiyaz is sick of hearing me tell it.

The theraputic power of rant is not reserved for bad experiences that are over, it's also good for problems that are ongoing. I've ranting about potty training, house training the dog, problems with the cat, moving problems, money problems, school problems, disagreements with Fai, problems with my mom, etc. All you need is a good friend who's willing to listen, and a few minutes. Let it all out, find the humor, keep in mind that almost all problems are temporary, and "this too shall pass".

You can even rant about things that annoy you, like political issues or humidity or the cold. Just a couple of minutes to get the frustration out and laugh at what's bothering you.

So there's my rant on ranting.

More Nadira

2009-01-08T11:11:00.002-05:00

So here are some more pictures of Miss Nadira. I can't believe she's a month old already! Her blessing was this past Sunday (hence the pics in the white dress) As Faiyaz sat back down with her after the blessing, I watched him hold her. It struck me what a wonderful bonding moment a blessing is for a father and baby. I wish I had more pictures of Faiyaz and the girls. I should have taken some last night, after dinner. Fai was holding Nadira in the arm chair, and Anjali climbed up too. It was one of those sweet, sweet moments that always have me close to tearing up.

Sleep: a sweet gift

2009-01-07T08:15:00.004-05:00

Yes, I will post more pictures, yes, they are coming soon, possibly later today. But I wanted to share a few things, and the laptop (which has no pictures on it) was right here, and both girls are occupied (Anjali has the TV going, Nadira is drunk from breastmilk) and I've got a few minutes to share.

The past three days have been rough, literally no sleep. Nadira has timed every nap for times when I can't sleep. Yesterday I had to drop Fai off at the train station, and as I drove home in the wet, cold rain I missed three turns. I took Nadira to her one month check up, and when the nurse asked me for her date of birth, I had to think a minute about what year she was born. Yeah. Major zombie. Last night was the breaking point. Anjali was in bed at 7, Fai went to sleep at 9, and there I was with my beautiful, screaming, cranky, not sleeping baby. She dozed off, and I slipped into the bathroom with a mission: to take a bath before the baby started to cry again. This was a much-needed bath, I smelled like spit up and sour breast milk. There was even spit up in my hair. So I washed it, then put in the conditioner and leaned back in the hot hot tub water to relax a minute. I felt myself starting to fall asleep in the bath. But then it started: Nadira was awake, and not happy. I rinsed my hair as fast as I could, ran the towel over my body quickly before wrapping my dripping hair up in it, and started scrambling into my pajama bottoms. This was when Fai woke up. Half asleep himself, he threw this gem out:

"Where are you? Why aren't you feeding her? Why'd you leave her?"

Now, in the light of day, I can appreciate that he'd just been woken up by a screaming baby, in the dark, with me no where to be found, but at that moment, as I ran half-dressed and still dripping out of the bathroom to get the screaming infant so that he could go back to sleep in the nice, soft, warm bed, I lost it. What followed was perhaps the dumbest fight of our marriage, which ended in me screeching at him "You're breastfeeding the next one!" and then errupting in sobs. When Fai started snoring again, I started crying even more from pure jealousy. I'm sure anyone who's gone three days without sleep can relate.

Don't get me wrong, I'm actually enjoying breastfeeding this time, very conveniant, smells better than formula, it's free, it stores better, and I love the cuddling with Nadira. It's going great, none of the problems I had trying to breastfeed Anjali. It's the not sleeping thing that's getting to me.

And this is when I got my gift. I laid down a sleeping Nadira, brushed my teeth, finished dressing, and curled up in bed with no expectations of actually getting to sleep...

Seven Hours Later.....

Yep, that's right, seven hours. I woke up with a start, and checked to make sure Nadira was still breathing. When I was sure she was fine, I stretched out and enjoyed a few more minutes before she woke up ready to eat.

I doubt this means anything, I doubt my never-sleeping baby is now magically going to sleep through the night every night, but rather I feel this was a gift. At my lowest, my breaking point, my yell-at-my-husband-for-no-reason point, God handed me a gift, a sleeping baby. Or maybe Nadira just knew I couldn't keep functioning without a rest. Either way, I'll take it. Seven hours never felt so good.

Obviously, other things of interest have been happening, but I'll share some of those later when I post the pictures.

Life with two

2008-12-18T13:57:00.002-05:00

So Nadira will be two weeks old tomorrow. This week I've had them both on my own. It's been a bit rough, but not too bad. Nadira is a lot more cranky than Anjali was. And Anjali, my amazing independent girl, is becoming clingy. Very strange. The highlight of the week was yesterday, when I was trying to tidy up the kitchen. Nadira was in one of those little vibrating chairs on the kitchen floor, and Anjali was next to her, singing. I glanced at them just in time to see Anjali pop a cheerio into Nadira's mouth. Yep. I did the mad dive across the kitchen to them, and then a quick finger-swip of the baby's mouth to get the cheerio. This, of course, scared/startled them both, and they both began to cry. Lots of fun.

Besides being tired, I really have no complaints. Faiyaz has been super dad. On Monday he took Anjali to the mall after work so I could rest, then he fed, bathed, and put her to bed, and did the dishes. Tuesday he cooked, took care of Anjali, and tidied up the kitchen. Yesterday he cooked again, and tidied up the house, and took care of Anjali. I couldn't do this without him, he's amazing.

I was going to add more pictures, but Fai hasn't put any more on the computer yet. Soon.

2008-12-12T22:15:00.002-05:00

Ok, so these are the pictures Nadira will hate me for showing when she's older!

Nadira Anne Ghafoerkhan was born at 5:49 pm on Dec 5, 2008.

Despite how I look in these pictures, I was not medicated. I didn't plan on having a natural delivery, but by the time the doctor decided I could have an epidural (wasn't sure because of the rod on my spine) I was at ten centimeters, so there wasn't much point. One thing good I can say about it is that it went fast, much faster than with Anjali. We got to the hospital at 3:10, I'd been having contractions all day while talking on the phone to a few close friends and listening to Flogging Molly (very distracting). So we didn't have to wait long once we got there. She was out in two pushes.

I'd tell more, and post more pictures, but the little one must be fed (she's been camped out on the breast since birth)

The end is nigh!!!

2008-12-02T12:49:00.002-05:00

So things are a little upside down here.

Last Wednesday when I went in for my Dr. apt. (with Anjali my sidekick of course) there was protien in my urine, which is a sign of toximia, but my blood preassure was fine. Never the less, they wanted to send me next door to the hospital to be monitored and have test done and all this craziness. Meanwhile, Faiyaz was at work, over an hour away, and Anjali hadn't had lunch or her nap. So there was a mad scramble to get her to a babysitter, get her lunch, get Faiyaz back (because if things went bad at the hospital they were talking about inducing me) etc. It was chaos.

Everything was fine, I'm fine, baby's fine, but they are still watching me. Yesterday my blood preassue was a little high but my urine was fine. I have to go back tomorrow, and if anything is abnormal, they want to schedule an induction. Pitocin! BLAH!

So after Thanksgiving, Faiyaz's mom offered to take Anjali back to New York with her until after the baby comes since everything is so uncertain here. We talked about it, and as much as I hated it, I had to admit after our mad rush on Wednesday it would probably be best. So she's been gone since Saturday. The house is way too quite without her. And Saturday night, she got sick. Just a cold, but she sounds so pitiful on the phone, I hate not being able to hold her and baby her like I usually do when she's sick. I know this is probably for the best too, the last thing I need right now is a cold with a new born, and if she was here I'd get it and Faiyaz would get it, then we'd all be sick with a brand new baby in the house.

So here's hoping for natural labor to start soon, to blood preassue staying normal, a healthy Anjali coming home, and a healthy baby who we've decided to name Nadira Anne.

And here's to the nice, long nap I'm about to take :)

Thankfulness

2008-11-24T15:49:00.002-05:00

Alright, this post is a cliche, I'm warning you now. But I was thinking about this today.

Today I wasted three hours, three hours I needed for laundry, nesting, and getting the house ready for my in-laws who are coming Wednesday night. Yesterday before church we noticed a nail in the tire of my car. We were running late, and the tire wasn't low, so we just drove on it. Fai said he'd figure out how to patch it since we're tight on cash right now, but today he called from work and asked me to take the car to the shop and have them do it. So I bundled myself and Anjali up and went to the shop, thinking this would take an hour or less. Unfortunately, everyone seems to be getting ready for holiday travel, so they told me it would be a half hour before they could look at it. Irritated, I gave them my key and my cell phone number, and walked over to the mall with Anjali to kill some time. It was 45 minutes later that I got a call asking me where the nail was exactly, and almost an hour after that that I got the call that they were done with my call. By that point, I had bought Anjali lunch from McDonald's because she was starving, even though I didn't want to feed her junk today or spend money on junk, and we were both tired and irritated. So we started walking back to the car. On the way out of the mall, we passed a Thanksgiving window display. In it were the typical window decorations that go with this holiday, turkeys and pilgrims and such. Pilgrims with chubby, rosy cheeks.

Being in a bad mood, I started thinking about what pilgrims would have looked like at that first feast. They would have been a pretty skinny, sorry looking lot, getting over near-starvation and disease. Most likely yellow and sickly looking. Still mourning dead husbands, wives, and children. Probably really homesick, and questioning their own sanity in leaving England in the first place. What were they so thankful for, really?

And then the cynical thoughts left me briefly. They were alive. They were together. For the moment, they had food, and in all honesty things could only get better.

Right now things look pretty rough all over. Last night Fai and I were talking about how the prices in stores would be dropping soon since people are only buying essentials, and how this drop in prices would eventually lead to the end of jobs. We talked about the fall in gas prices, speculating how long it would last, if it would last as long as this economic depression. We talked about our cars, the problems both of them are having, wondering how much longer we could make them last.

So this afternoon, as I walked through the cold parking lot outside the mall towards the auto shop to get my car, I thought about those things again, about this past year and the hard spot we're going through now. I thought about last Christmas, when I was pregnant and Fai found out that he got the job, and 2008 looked bright and sparkling and full of promise. He was graduating, we were moving, he had a good job, and in August we'd have a new baby. I remember writing in my journal about it, I remember all the optimism I felt. It would be a great year.

Then I had the miscarriage, the house in Tallahassee still hasn't sold, and here we are. And yes, I am about to have a beautiful new baby, yet I still wonder about that one. You know. Emotionally, physically, financially, it's been a really rough year.

And so, with the pilgrims, I found myself thinking, we're alive, we're together, we have food, and in all honesty things will/can only get better. And then I started thinking of all the other things I'm grateful for. Here's a list:

A strong, independent, smart daughter who is filled with energy, life, and self-confidence.

A healthy baby about to be born.

A husband who works hard and enjoys his family. The confidence I have in him and his role as a father.

A comfortable home with good neighbors.

The daily chaos that comes with animals and a toddler. All of that messy, wonderful chaos that keeps me busy but entertained.

Good friends. Even though far distanced, it's amazing what an e-mail or a phone call can do on a busy hectic day.

A bright future. We are where we are. Our economy fluctuates, there are highs and lows. This too shall pass.

There are a lot of other things too, but those are the highlights that came to mind as I walked with Anjali back to the shop. When I got there, it turned out that after they got the nail out and checked the tire for an air leak, there wasn't one, so they didn't charge me. I still wasted three precious hours, but I'll just have to play catch-up tomorrow.

What are you guys thankful for this year?

Accomplishment is...

2008-11-20T14:21:00.002-05:00

when you've successfully wrestled your insane dog to the ground, trimmed all his nails, AND got his flea preventative on him.

This is the same 50 lbs dog that three professional groomers at Petsmart and two big men at Petco couldn't trim the nails on, the one I was told would have to go to the vet's and be sedated to have his nails trim. That dog. The dog who starts foaming at the mouth and hyperventilating at the sight of the nail trimmers. My crazy dog.

Langston's nails had gotten truly horrible, and I just don't have the money for the vet right now, so with the help of the muzzle and a lot of stubborn perseverance, I did it. Granted, he did go hide in the basement for half an hour in the middle, but by the time we made it to the last paw, he'd given up the fight.

Of course, there is now black dog hair all over the living room that I just vacuumed yesterday, and I'm covered in dog hair and dog slobber and my feet and arms are scratched up, but my dog's nails are no longer over grown. Plus I won the lesser battle of the flea preventative. For some reason every month the sight of that little tube sends him into hiding. It's been a busy day.

Frustration is....

2008-11-19T10:33:00.002-05:00

Okay, those of you with babies will feel me on this one. I've had a lot of Braxton Hicks contractions with this one, a lot more than with Anjali, and they are uncomfortable.

So yesterday I started timing them. And spent the whole day walking around thinking I was in early labor, frantically nesting. I had Fai on red alert, ready to speed home on a moment's notice. And honestly, it really felt like the very beginning of the real thing.

And then they slowed to a halt last night. Yep. Still pregnant.

It's so hard this late in the game to feel those contractions and NOT get your hopes up that that light at the end of the tunnel you've been looking forward to is finally there. I'm glad that with Anjali I went around in blissful ignorance during early labor.

Any of you done that one before?

Humility is...

2008-11-17T14:02:00.002-05:00

When you've sent out 70 query letters (yep, I said 70) and find out that in the letter you've been sending you've put the word "revels" instead of "reveals". That's right, in my book Flora "revels" to Charlotte that she has a sister.

And in the next paragraph, I tell them that I have a BA in English. Uh-huh.

As I was hyperventilating on the verge of tears, Faiyaz casually observed, "Maybe that's why you keep getting rejections."

At least I've given a lot of literary agents something to laugh at.

My current rejection count is 22.

This is why you ALWAYS get someone else to proofread for you!

not so long, not so controversal...

2008-11-12T15:21:00.002-05:00

Yesterday Fai was off for Veteran's day. We all woke up pretty early, and while Anjali sat on our bed watching Blue's Clues, Fai dyed my hair in the bathroom. As he massaged the color in, I felt truely grateful for him. Out of all the people out there, I found him, and I can't imagine anyone else for me.

I mean, how many Democratic Mormons are there? :)

No, but seriously, to have someone with the same opinions and views, who supports my goals, and balances out my sometimes too-intense personality, and makes me laugh at some of the most intense moments of my life, what are the odds?

So that's all, just feeling grateful today.

Socialism in America

2008-11-06T12:19:00.002-05:00

Okay, so this is an educational post. First off, let me say that there is socialism in our great country. It's been here for decades, and it's affected every one's lives. Everyday, you come face to face with it, you hold it's hand, you walk with it down the street...

Are you scared?

If you are, it's because of something called the Red Scare, and a guy name McCarthy, and the black list, things that happened before my life time. The connotation (the way people feel) of the words Communism and Socialism will never be the same after that.

So many people are afraid of socialism, not recognizing the benefits they enjoy from it everyday. If you hate socialism, then please read "Marx for Beginners" by Rius. It's a graphic novel, and gives a break down of who Marx was and what his philosophy is all about. And, of course, there's the "Communist Manifesto". But let me give a basic breakdown of what Socialism is.

Straight, full-blown socialism would be the elimination of private property in the production, and manufacturing of goods and services. Basically, Bill Gates wouldn't be soooo rich, Microsoft would belong to the government, and Gates would get paid for the work he did. He'd probably still have a good 10 or more million to his name. But everyone else who worked for that company would have more, and the cost of a computer in the store would be less. Now picture the same thing for every company in the US, for every industry. That's full-blown socialism. The point behind it is to give the working class, those who don't own the means of production, the chance to succeed and get ahead.

Now here's the socialism that we have in the US:

Labor Unions
Federal Holidays
The 40 hour work week
Scholarships
Social Security
Public Library
Public Schools
Roads and Highways
Police Dept.
Fire Dept.
National Parks
City Parks
Anything the state or city pays for (city festivals, parades, etc.)

As Americans, we LOVE our Capitalism. But how would we live without Socialism? Let's look at what life in a purely Capitalized America would be like...

You wake up. It's time to drive to work, it's about 20 minutes from your home. You crank up your car, and get on the road, making sure you have the $9 you'll need for tolls. Why? Because roads are private property, and you have to pay to drive on them. You get to work, just your typical 12 hour day. 12 hours? Well, that's what people use to work before the government regulated the work week thanks to labor unions. You've heard a rumor that they might be lowering your hourly pay, so you really want to make a good impression on your boss today, so you're planning on skipping your 15 minute lunch break. Lowering your pay? That's right, no unions, no government interference, you have no rights at your job. If it's 12 hours a day, 6 hours a week, too bad. If your boss harasses you, you can always quit, but it'll be the same somewhere else. If he fires you unfairly, there's nothing you can do. So you're working, and you're thinking about your son. Hopefully when you get home tonight you won't be too tired to tutor him, since you can't afford the private school nearby. You know his only chance of a life better than this is if he gets some kind of education...if only books weren't so expensive....When you get home, there's smoke coming from the kitchen. Quickly, you run in, and turn on the water at the sink, desperately trying to dose the flames...you can't call the fire department, their fees are just too high, so you try to handle it yourself...finally, you get the fire out, but the whole kitchen is ruined, and your lungs are damaged from the smoke. Insurance companies are not regulated at all, so there's no way you can afford the copay at the emergency room, so you decide to just have a glass of water and go to bed. Maybe you'll feel better in the morning. On your one day off, your son want to go to the playground, but they recently raised their entry fee (there's no public land, so this is a private playground someone opened and is charging for) and with the recent damage to the kitchen, there's no way. Plus you're too tired, and it hurts to even breath. So you stay home, coughing in your dark living room, your son begging to go out and play...

Minus the roads (because poor people wouldn't have had cars or horses) this is pretty close to what life in America would have been like 100 years or so ago for the working class. A good book to read to get a better picture of this would be "The Jungle". Yes, there's gross stuff about the meat packing industry, but it also shows the struggle the working class faced before labor unions and before our government started to socialize. I'm not saying straight socialism is a good thing, but neither is straight capitalism.

I've ranted enough on Jen's blog about why I feel that regulating (not socializing) the insurance companies to make health care affordable and accessible is a good thing. Socialism is not a government handout, it's insuring that the workers in a society get their needs met, that everyone has the same privileges, like getting to go to school and the use of public parks. These are things that benefit all Americans.

At the end of this election, the Republican party started throwing around the word 'Socialism' a lot to scare voters. If you listened to Obama speak at the debates, you would know he's not a socialist. I didn't hear him say a single thing about eliminating private business property, did you? I did hear him talk about regulating insurance companies, so we don't have to pay so much for insurance, and so we get better coverage. This makes sense, just like it makes sense for the government to regulate businesses and employers so that employees get worker's rights, like the 40 work week, sick leave, holidays, and minimum wage. We don't think twice about these things in the work place, we expect them. If we expect worker's rights, public education, and public roads, why not affordable health care? During the debates, I heard McCain say that health insurance is a privilege. Now THAT scares me! So if you're too poor to afford it, then you don't deserve good health? Preventative care is sooooo much cheaper than treating an illness, and it's better for society as a whole. If you go to the doctor when you start feeling sick and get early treatment, you're less likely to get other people sick. If you get the flu shot, and then don't get the flu, you won't give the flu to your coworkers and your kids, and your kids won't give it to other kids who could give it to their parents, who could give it to their coworkers...you get the idea.

And this isn't even socialized medicine we're talking about here! (which, by the way, I'd like) This is a baby step by comparison, this is just making sure that every American can afford medical treatment. I've seen so much pain and suffering caused by the cost of health care, I've let myself get way sicker than I should, I've gotten severe tooth infection and felt the agony of that for months, I've had to have teeth pulled because I couldn't afford a doctor or a dentist. I've watched a family struggle under mounting medical debt. We've spent months paying off credit card debt caused by medical and dental bills. This is a serious problem in our country.

We've embraced Socialism in so many other areas of our life, can't we embrace insurance regulations? And is a little socialism blended with our capitalism such a bad thing? Would you really want to live in a country with straight capitalism?

If you still feel uneasy at the word "socialism" I urge you to read and consider those three books. I know that socialism has been linked with athiesm because some of the political philosophers who thought it up didn't believe in God. I feel it's compatible with the gospel, besides, so many things in the scriptures, especially in the teachings of Christ, have a socialist ring to them. I have my own theories in this area which I won't go into now. But may I just say that we can have and maintain our own standards and morals, we can even promote and share them without forcing them on other or on our nation as a whole. I know for several people abortion was a big issue this election. If you feel strongly against abortion, there are clinics across our country that offer counciling to women considering abortion. You could volunteer there, you could actually help someone in that difficult situation. You can adopt. You can voluteer with adoption agencies. Don't protest an abortion clinic, that won't make a difference (let's be honest here) but look at all the ways you can reach out with compassion and love to help others, if this is the issue that you feel so strongly about. I've shared my views a multitude of times, I think it would be unconstitional to make it illegal, and that it would do more harm than good. And I think that for women with a medical need for an abortion or who are the victims of rape it would make it more difficult to obtain one, dragging out an already painful and emotional process. My point: Find proactive, constructive (not destructive) ways to help this problem if you feel strongly about it.

And socialism isn't evil.

Thank you, comrades.

The Day Before Elections Rant

2008-11-03T10:59:00.003-05:00

You know, before we moved I thought I was pretty political. I kept up with things, I had opinions. I could hold my own in a debate (okay, usually I could win the debate). And then we moved here.

Has the rest of the country gone insane, or is it just being here, so close to DC? Let me share with you some of the insanity I've put up with in the past few days, and let me know if it's hitting you too.

-Talking politics during fast and testimony meeting yesterday. No names were said, but they were alluded to from the pulpit. In my opinion, a BIG no-no. Also, this themed carried on into Relief Society. GRRR....

-Last night we got no fewer than ten (and possibly a lot more, we finally just stopped answering the phone) calls about McCain and Obama and who we should vote for and why. Some of these were recordings, but several were real people. Once we just let Anjali answer the phone, and told her to say "Barack Obama" and hang up. She did, and seemed to get a kick out of it. Today (and it's only 11.) I've already gotten five calls about the election, including one from the Hispanic Minority something or other. Why they called me? No idea.

-Over the past two months, we've had seven incidents of people knocking on our door to discuss the election, and why we should vote for their canidate. Those are the ones I've been home for. We've also had lots of flyers left on our door.

-Each day, we get at least one mailer, sometimes as many as seven. One day I opened the mail box to find nothing but political mailers. Seriously. How many trees have died?

And does any of this work? Will a phone call, a flyer, or an annoying person at your door change who you are voting for? I'd like to believe that the debates and personal research would be the things most people use to decide. Before this onslaught, I was voting for Obama, and now I'm still voting for Obama. I don't understand why either party had to waste so much time, energy, and money, not to mention volunteer hours, on me, much less the rest of America. Virginia is a circus, at least this close to DC. What's it like where you live?

Halloween

2008-11-01T08:47:00.002-04:00

Trick or Treating was everything cliche that we have come to expect. Although the neighborhood we went to didn't go "all out" like the neighborhood we go to in Tallahassee, and the number of children on the street last night was rather small, it was a fun night. Anjali was Princess Aurora from Sleeping Beauty (yes, I know, but there are worse things in the world than the Disney princesses) and at her request daddy was Prince Phillip. I wore a tight orange maternity shirt that I'd painted a jack-o-lantern face over the belly of. Nice. Strangely, we were the only parents out that were dressed up. Huh.

So everything was going fine, Anjali had it down, clank-clank-clank (because she had to wear the unstable dress up shoes that came with her costum) up to the house, knock-knock, trick-or-treat, thank you, clank-clank-clank. A few times she paused to chat, and to tell the person about the different kinds of candy she'd collected. And a few times (okay, many times) we stopped so she could put those shoes back on. Then we came to this one house.

This one house had closed in their porch with black fabric and filled it with black lights. Strob lights went off in the second floor windows. Scary music played. To get to the door, you had to walk past a mummy, a witch, and a zombie guy, all life-sized and the kind that move when you get too close. There were spiderwebs and a smoke machine. Very intimidating. And my usually fearless two year old? The one who laughed at those same decorations in the store? The combination of darkness and tiredness over powered her, and she was scared!

After a couple of comforting hugs, and daddy's hand in hers, and the reassurence that he would protect her (with his foam sword, of course) she bravely walked up to the door, and delivered her lines. And then made a hasty retreat. Back at the street, she told us again, "That house is scary!" "Yes, but they gave you candy! Wasn't that nice?" "Yes." "Okay, so that house isn't scary, it's silly. They just made it all silly for Halloween." "Silly?" "Yes, silly." "Oh." and then we moved on. I wish all the frightening things in her life would be that easy to explain away, and that it would be that easy to comfort her always.

And so we continued on our way. A few houses later, knock-knock, "You have candy? Trick or treat. Thank you." Clank-clank-clank. And then those big brown eyes looked up, and she said "I'm done." "Do you want to go home?" "Yes, home. It's too cold."

We had pizza and watched a movie. Halfway through, after pizza and a brownie, and all mommy's peperoni, Anjali asked to go to bed. Granted, it was after 11, and much later than we normally let her stay up, but after we had her all tucked in, I thought "what a simple, beautiful life she has! So full!" and I also thought how wonderful it was that when we let her have a little freedom, she is wise enough to limit herself, to say she wants to go home, to say she want to sleep. Granted, I doubt she'd show restraint if we turned her loose with the candy bucket, but I hope she'll always know when it's time to go home, to call it a night.

Later today I'm going to try to get some pics up. Unfortunately, I played camera man, so they aren't the best.

out of the mouth of babes....

2008-10-14T08:15:00.002-04:00

A Conversation from the Car...

Faiyaz: "Okay, Anjali, that's your last piece of candy for a while. You've had too much sugar."

Anjali: "It's sugar, it's good. I love it."

Olivia: "I know it tastes good, sweety, but it's not good for your body."

Anjali: "It's my body."

Olivia: "Yes, and you have to take care of it, it has to last you your whole life."

Anjali: "It's my life."

At this point, of course, Faiyaz and I just cracked up laughing. Yes, Anjali really said all that, she's two and a half. No idea where she got that from, we monitor her TV viewing really closely too. We're in serious trouble when she gets to be a teenager...

2008-10-03T22:42:00.003-04:00

You get the idea, I'm sure. The fun part was the baby loved the rubbing, she kicked the whole time!

I'm trying to glory in my pregnant belly. When I just look down, it doesn't look so pretty, and when I'm walking/waddling, I feel very large. But seeing pictures of it helps me realize how beautiful this belly really is.

And what belly wouldn't be beautiful with Anjali's art on it?

Changes

2008-10-02T10:40:00.002-04:00

This morning the air outside is decidedly chill here in Virginia. Inside I'm feeling restless. There is change coming. Today I'm pacing around the house, doing little things, playing with Anjali. I don't really feel like going anywhere, but inside is getting dull. Maybe after nap time we'll go to a park or something. Ironically, I don't feel lonely here until it's me and Anjali on a playground with no one else around, so I've been avoiding it. But change is coming, and the part of me that spent almost every waking hour of childhood out of doors is finding it hard to sit at home while things are going on in the world. I think tomorrow I will try to convince Fai for us to go to a near by state park and go down the walking trails, and watch the world get ready for winter. Maybe we'll take Langston too, and he can scare the squirrels as they forage. It's October. For Halloween, I'm going to wear black tights and an orange shirt with a jack-o-lantern face on it. I want to find something cute for Anjali, she will most likely want to be a princess. We've got to find out where to go trick-or-treating here. I think there's something very poetic about being pregnant in the fall. As all the world gets ready to celebrate the harvest, I'm about to experience a very different harvest. I love the descriptive words that go along with pregnancy, words like fertility and ripe. I think of large, round things, things like pumpkins, gourds and squash. Of statues of round, fat women, fertility goddesses. In a way, I am glad that a woman's worth is no longer dependent on her ability to have children, but at the same time I think we've lost some of our reverence for the process of growing a child. The more science has explained it away, the less mystical it seems. I feel like a fat fertility goddess. I'm tired of pregnant women talking about weight gain and how much dieting they're going to have to do to fit into their old clothes. I'm also tired of women complimenting me on not gaining a lot of weight (most of them don't know I've lost weight) I WANT to gain weight, I want to fill out nicely, not just my belly. My belly is too small, I want it round and full like a giant pumpkin. Skinny is over rated. No one buys the skinny pumpkin in the store. I want to dress in reds, oranges, and browns. I want to fill my house with leaves and pine cones. I want pumpkin-scented candles, and pumpkin pie, and a large pumpkin to carve. I'm going to look up my recipe for gingerbread, and if I have everything for it, I'm going to make a million ginger bread pumpkins. Remember last year, Marquesas, when we tried to make gingerbread houses at girl's night, and they wouldn't stand up, so we ate gingerbread cover in cream cheese frosting and sprinkles? And all the Halloween candy? I wish I could fill up on candy corn, but I know it will only make me sick. There is change in the air today, summer is over and fall is coming. I don't often think of fall as a season, usually it's just there as a brief interlude before winter, but this year I am a fertility goddess preparing to celebrate the season of the harvest.

the strangest things...

2008-09-30T15:16:00.002-04:00

Okay, okay, I told myself I wouldn't bore you kind people with blogs on this any more, but here we go again...

Lately I've just been aggravated with the whole situation, and again went through the standard home remedies. If someone told me that eating pickles upside down would help, I'd probably try it. Anyway, so I'd just given up, and made myself a sour cream bunt cake with lots of cinnamon and brown sugar and a thick home-made glaze (glaze is nothing but butter and sugar with a tiny bit of milk) so yeah, not healthy. I spent all day yesterday nibbling that while I made dinner. A fatty roast beef in the crockpot, peas, instant mashed potatoes with home-made grave (skimmings from crockpot plus flour) And, since the roast smelled so good, I decided to try some, even though I thought it would surely hurt my throat.

Then it was bathtime, storytime, prayer, and bed. I've started reading "Little House on the Prairie" to Anjali. Yes, I know she's too young to really understand it, but she lays still next to me (or as still as a two year old can lay) and listens. When we come to the pictures, she points to them and I stop and we talk about them. Remarkable for two. We're reading it more for me than for her, but she likes it and as my dad says, it's laying a good foundation.

Shortly thereafter, we went to bed too. This is normally when my nightly torture begins. I always try to sleep first, but the threatening nasuea keeps me up till the wee hours, when at last I stagger/run to the toilet. Somehow, last night, I fell asleep, and made it through the night. Yesterday was the first day in weeks that I made it all day without being sick. No herbs, no bland food, I did nothing special. I've run it over in my head so many times, and truelly can't see a reason but sheer luck. I'm not getting my hopes up for a repeat.

Today I have noticed that I have to use the bathroom at least twice as much as Anjali. :) I also noticed that when I'm standing straight up I can no longer see my toes. I need to get some family pictures with the belly. I've got some great ones from when I was pregnant with Anjali. Of course, I don't know anyone here to get to take them...gotta figure that out.

And today I recieved two more rejectiong e-mails. Total of three. Need to send out more letters, but opting for a nap today instead.

Pretty boring, mundane stuff. Played with Langston, gave him a flee bath. He's loving the cooler weather. Hoping to take him on a nice long walk this weekend. Did laundry, clean kitchen, bemourned the fact that I have no papertowels and no motivation to leave the house today to buy paper towels. Colored with Anjali on the dry erase board, did puzzles. Our basement is finally in one piece again, and back to its function of being Anjali's play room. I'm so lame, I organized her toys and things into centers, it looks like a day care down there. She seems happy with it, and she's putting her own things up, so it must be working.

Currently, she only wants to eat cereal, yogart, peanutbutter sandwiches (that's right, no jelly) and mac and cheese. Very odd. Also some fruit, like grapes and bananas, peas are okay too. I tried to give her some canned pears with her lunch today, that didn't work. Very odd. I'm convinced it's just a phase, just a very annoying one.

I think when things settle down (meaning we're in the rythem of having two kids instead of one) I want to get an AS in drafting. Fai's suggested I start another degree, and there's no master programs in writing near here, nor BA programs in journalism. I'm such a nerd, I miss school. We've been talking about building our next house, and although I'd love an old rambling fixer-upper, the idea of designing the house myself has it's appeal. My mother did drafting, and while I was in elementary school I'd draw out little house plans in my notebooks. Gotta look into what programs are around here and all that.

Rambling over. Think I'm going to get some cake and take a nap now...

sick and tired

2008-09-24T13:14:00.002-04:00

So you're all probably sick of hearing me whine, which is why I haven't blogged in so long. Being pregnant is becoming all-consuming unfortunately.

I'm 8 lbs lighter than before I got pregnant, I think I might have lost another pound as well. My wedding ring is almost falling off. 10 and a half weeks to go.

Thought I'd share my current diet with ya'll. I tried eating super healthy for a while, but that seemed to be harder on my throat. So I've given it up, and have reverted to a comfort diet, namely anything that won't damage my poor throat any more (it's really really raw now, and hurts all the time) Ice cream and sushi. yum. It doesn't stay down, but it doesn't hurt coming up.

I've become a master of making California rolls, they've become the main staple in my diet. With just a tiny tiny bit of soy sauce, it's lunch and dinner. Anjali will not try them, and Fai is sick of them, but whatever doesn't make the throat worse, right?

Bryer's Sara Lee Strawberry Cheesecake ice cream. Sigh! That, and the toffe heath bar. So good on the throat going down, and no damage coming up.

So who wouldn't like to lose weight on a diet like this?

All joking aside, i'm really worried. I know the baby's okay, but I feel like I'm wasting away. What's going to be left of me when this is over?

I doubt it will be long after the baby's born before I gain all the weight back. I've been wanting a big juicy burger for weeks now.

Seasons

2008-09-09T11:44:00.002-04:00

Right now I am struggling with this pregnancy. I've lost the pound that I gained, so once again I weigh 7 pounds less than before I got pregnant. I'm 27 weeks, 13 more to go. I don't know how I'm going to handle another three months of this. I'm tired, light headed, and constantly sick. I feel unable to care for my home or my daughter, and I'm worried about this baby. At my last dr. apt, the doctor (a man, and we all know how I don't like male doctors) wasn't worried at all. I'm going back on Friday, and I'm hoping when they see the scale they'll be a little concerned. The expensive medicine I'm taking doesn't seem to help at all. Three more months? Seriously?

I've be looking at my life a lot, all the things I'm trying to juggle while throwing up, all the things I want to do, and I'm remembering something I started telling myself in high school, and that's to just be happy in the season you're in. Sometimes we get so caught up with all the things we want out of life we're always focused on the future and not the present. While being sick is not fun, this is the last three months Anjali will be an only child. Hopefully it's the end of the potty training. It's the end of summer, soon it's going to start getting cold. I don't like the cold. It's the end of a novel, my editing will be done soon. It's that quit time before the rejection letters start coming in. It's my last few months before the newborn period, when you're drowning in exhaustion. It won't be long before Anjali goes to preschool. This is my season. Our lives may not seem long, but we all go through so many periods of change in them, it's hard to remember that each moment is transient. Being in high school, being single, being a parent of young children, we all try to rush through these times, especially when they seem hard or tedious, but each hold precious moments that once they pass we can never reclaim. There's a certain charm to being a broke student, and looking back things seemed simpler. A few night ago I was remember when Fai and I just got married, and it was just us in that little apartment. So strange, I can barely remember life without Anjali and the animals, I can't remember what we use to do with our time together. I remember movies and the mall, going to dinner, etc, but it seems foreign. I think I prefer the playground, the walks in the park, pizza night with "princess movie" But this too shall pass, Anjali and this new one will be going to school, making friends, growing up. It all seems too short, but I guess it's what keeps life interesting.

From "The Death of Flora May"

2008-08-27T15:31:00.002-04:00

This is a scene from Chapter Four in "The Death of Flora May" that I'd like feed back on. Charlotte is trying to build a relationship with her estranged mother Flora as she (Flora) is dying of lung cancer. At the same time, Charlotte and her husband Kevin have been trying to conceive for over a year. This is an argument they have after breakfast. Faiyaz gave me some good pointers for this scene, but one of them I didn't agree with, so I want to see if anyone else has the same thoughts he did. Here we go.

The omelets were a little runny. Charlotte chewed, the warm cheese mixing with the liquid. He must have forgotten to drain the frozen spinach, she thought.
“Next weekend I thought we could do something to celebrate me surviving this week. That’s if I survive, of course.”
“I was actually wondering if you’d go with me to Tallahassee on Saturday.”
“Why?”
“So you can meet my mom,” she said, making it sound the most natural thing to do.
“Why would I want to meet her?” His eyes shone dangerously.
“Please, Kevin.”
“That woman is horrible. I don’t even understand why you are going all the way out there to see her.”
“Because she’s my mom, Kevin, no matter how horrible she is. I have to go.”
“You don’t have to do anything, you’re choosing to go.”
“If I don’t go, she’s going to die alone. No one else is visiting,” she said.
“Then let her die alone!”
“Kevin!”
“She deserves it!”
“No one deserves that. And if she dies all alone, with no visitors, then I’ll feel guilty for the rest of my life, knowing I could have been there for her.”
“She pushed you away, she pushed everyone away, so let her die alone,” he said, anger beginning to show in his voice.
“She’s different now, Kevin, I don’t know how to explain it. It’s like this cancer has beaten something in her. She’s already given up. She’s not like she used to be.” Charlotte thought back to their last visit, how talking with her mother had almost felt normal.
“I can tell you why she’s different, she’s using you. She’s just going to suck you in until nothing’s left, that’s what she’s doing.”
“You don’t understand; she’s dying!” Charlotte could feel her face reddening in frustration.
“She wouldn’t even come to her only daughter’s wedding! That’s not natural, Charlotte.”
“She’s only got a few months left!”
“I can still remember you crying on our wedding day, because your mother wouldn’t come, and your father was dead.”
“I have to do this!”
“There were no family members on the bride’s side, just your old college roommates and a few friends!” he said, beginning to shout.
“Why can’t you understand?”
“Your only living relative, and she wasn’t there!”
“Please come meet her, you’ll see.”
“Charlotte, I don’t want you driving around like this when you’re pregnant. You could be pregnant now. What if you were in a car wreck? You could miscarry.”
Charlotte’s face clouded with tears.
“I’m not pregnant, Kevin. My period came last night. I’m never going to be pregnant.”
She turned, and went into the bathroom, tears blurring her vision as she went into the bathroom closet and pulled out a large bucket of cleaning supplies. When she came back into the living room, Kevin was still standing in the kitchen, holding a coffee cup and looking as if something heavy had just hit him. The kitchen had lost some of its brilliance; clouds were starting to cover the sun outside.
“Just, just go, Kevin, go somewhere.”
“Where?”
“In the bedroom, to your office, anywhere. I want to be alone.”
“Can I do anything?” he asked, not looking at her as he spoke.
“No, please, I just don’t want to be around you right now.”
“Alright.”
Kevin went into the bedroom for a few moments. He came out with his laptop and briefcase. Charlotte felt almost certain he was heading to his favorite coffee house.
“I’ll be home this afternoon, alright?”
“Alright, that’s fine. I’m sorry,” she said.
“It’s okay, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have brought up, I just didn’t know.”
“I know.”
Kevin opened the front door onto a dark grey sky threatening rain. After it closed, Charlotte looked out the back kitchen windows. Over the ocean the sky remained a brilliant blue, sun light reflecting on the white sand. For a few moments she thought about walking on the beach before the rain, but she knew the storm was coming up too fast. She could feel it now that she was paying attention, the tension in the air that comes before lightning. Even as she watched, the view out the back began to change. Clouds covered the house, their shadows spreading out over the sand, onto the beach, and then out over the water. Charlotte looked out at a patch of ocean by the horizon, shining and reflecting the morning sun, and then it too was covered by the dark heavy cloud.

This scene is followed by Charlotte doing a stress-clean of her home, and then of course Kevin coming home and them making up.

dreams

2008-08-20T11:16:00.002-04:00

So for many weeks now I've been having trouble sleeping. Some of the normal pregnant type, getting up to pee, getting kicked by baby, and my feet cramping up, but also more than just that. And feeling sick keeps me up some too. Whatever the reason, I'm waking up many many times each night. For a time I had vivid terrifying nightmares, but those have been replaced by some dreams that are just plan weird, starring many of you, my dear friends. In fact, odds are if I know you, I'm dreaming about you. Here's a few gems from the past few nights:

Lindsey Miller (gotta love that girl!) trying to feed me pickles. Yes, in the dream she was convinced that pickles would help me stop throwing up, so she was following me around with a giant jar of pickles trying to get me to eat them. Right now I don't like pickles.

Potty training Anjali. This isn't so weird as it is sad that I'm so obsessed with potty training that I'm dreaming about it.

My dad moved in with us, and was trying to set up the bassinet. Not pleasant, I think he broke it, lots of yelling involved...

Darling D'Arcy and her sister April (who I've only met once, not sure if I even remember what she looks like) came by when I was in the middle of folding laundry and the house was a mess. They proceeded to clean my house as I tried to stop them.

Is there a connection in these? The only one I could find is me having little control in them. Very odd. And they are all those really vivid kind that make you wonder for a few minutes if it's real.

I am defiantly nesting. I started unpacking baby clothes today. Anjali thought it was fun to help at first, but soon tired of it. "Mommy done yet? Mommy done?" and "Mommy, look at me, you done yet?" I don't know if she understands what's going on, I've been talking to her about it a lot. She's so adaptable that I'm confident she'll adjust well. I want to make her a quilt, I have the fabric for it, but I'm intimidated. Plus I'm still trying to edit the novel, and am hesitant to start anything that will cut into writing time. I think though that a home-made quilt would be a nice gift for her transition into a big girl bed. Still trying to find a twin bed for her, but I think she's ready for it now.

Some news, some thoughts, some rants.

2008-08-18T16:02:00.002-04:00

Today we had our ultrasound done, the baby looks great, right size, growing good, going to be another tall one from the looks of it, and it's a girl! Unlike Anjali, she wasn't shy at all to sure off her stuff, lol. We're excited. So far we're thinking about two different names, Mariska and Cosette. One is (possibly) dutch and the other is french. We're going to end up with international children. Already I'm itching to starting tearing through those boxes of old baby clothes, I think the nesting is starting to kick in.

Last week Anjali was in New York. The house was strangely quiet. I cleaned on Monday, and the house actually stayed clean. Very strange. I did get a lot of editing done, a third of the novel in fact. So close! I'm hoping I can finish soon and start looking for an agent/publisher. I want to get the ball rolling on that before the new baby comes. Still outlining the next novel.

Once I took the train into Alexandria with Faiyaz in the morning. I love cities in the early morning, when they're just waking up and all the stores are still closed. Some say that New York never sleeps, but catch her around seven on a Saturday morning, and you'll see her groggily waking. Deliveries being made, all the stores closed, people just starting to stir. Alexandria wakes up slowly. Once you move away from the big buildings where people work and into the Old Town area, you'll see the joggers and the people walking their dogs, shop owners getting ready to open their stores. The stores in Old Town are very enjoyable for window shopping, but very much out of my price range. One store I checked out was call "An American in Paris," and was owned and run by a crazy French woman. She keeps the door locked, you have to knock to get it, and then she instructs you not to pull on the clothes, if you want to look at something, lift the hanger. Her clothes are designer, and are in the triple digits, so I didn't linger long. She's a hoverer, so I used my pregnant belly as an excuse for not buying something, and wouldn't you know it? She's a belly grabber. I had my first stranger-touching-my-belly moment for this pregnancy. I also took Langston to a dog park about twenty minutes away from here. He had a great time, as always, and finally got to burn off all his energy. I really need to take him daily, but with Anjali so young that's impossible. Not to mention the gas to get there. Fai and I got lots of quality time together, we went to the county fair and out to eat. Thrusday night we went to the temple. I love the Washington DC temple, it was only our third time going to that one, but it looks so impressive as you approach it on the Beltway. I love how calm I feel after going to the temple, the only thing that comes close to that for me is a day at the beach.

Now for a rant. Anjali is still not potty trained. I'm starting a propaganda campaign to expedite the process as much as possible. Today I checked out a bunch of kids' books on going potty, and I'm in the process of making up some potty songs. I bought her more underwear. No more trips till this is over. The biggest hurtle I think is overcoming her fear of public restrooms. She just won't use them. GRRR!!!!! I've done this before, with other people's kids, it really shouldn't take this long. I think my daughter is especially stubborn. (understandable when you think about who her parents are) Oh well. We will get there. I am NOT buying any more diapers, so we're going to have to get there, and soon!

My love of animals is waning. My cat, Toby, is on my last nerve. Last weekend when we dropped Anjali off in New York, and came home, he'd pooped and peed in the kitchen. I discovered that darling Fai had been slacking off on little box duty, so I excused the cat because his box was really really nasty. This weekend, however, he had a nice, clean fresh box, so there is not excuse. When we got home last night, he'd pooped in three different spots, peed on the floor, and knocked down the trash can and peed inside it. Yep. This is a new one for us. Toby doesn't like change, his normal reaction is to pee in a sink, which is easy to clean, but this is outrageous. Either he's mad at us for leaving, or he knows I'm pregnant and he's mad about that. Today I was out running errands, and I came home briefly and he'd peed in the kitchen again. I had to mop it up with bleach water. Then I had to go out again, and when I got back, he'd pooped. As all of you who have kids know, one of the biggest no-nos during pregnancy is changing a litter box, or cleaning up cat mess, and here I am mopping up mess all day. I tried not to get it on my hands, and I washed really good when I was done, but this has got to stop. He knows better, he's doing this on purpose. I'm a cat/dog person, I love my crazy animals, and I'm willing to put up with a lot to have them, but Toby is about to make me snap!

So there's my news, my thoughts, and a healthy dose of ranting.

Pictures

2008-08-01T09:27:00.004-04:00

Here we go...just for all of you who have been wanting pictures. Here are pictures of us hanging out in DC. I don't have any pics of our house yet, unless you want to see pictures of the mold in the basement. There's also a lovely picture of Faiyaz in his birthday crown. All the good pictures of Anjali were taken by Faiyaz, of course. He's got some serious skills with the camera for sure. The Anjali rain dance pictures were taken at the National Zoo. They have these mist machine mounted along the sidewalk to keep you cool in the summer and Anjali just couldn't get enough of them. So far we're really enjoying the DC area. Woodbridge is pretty much just a commuter town, with nothing to do but shop (and shop, and shop, and shop!) and while you've got some great prices and good deals, there's not much in the way of parks and communal space. We've got to check out the state parks that are near our house, but haven't yet. We also need to explore the mountains and the beaches, which are both about 2 to 3 hours away. And of course Fai loves being just 4 hours from New York and his family. Now if only gas was cheap again...

Crazy Hazy Lazy Days of Summer

2008-07-23T11:47:00.003-04:00

Anjali is obsessed with her wading pool with all the intensity of a two year old. I invited this woman from church and her two boys over yesterday, and they had a blast out there. I think Anjali overwhelmed them a little with her exuberance. They just weren't ready for her, lol. Then as soon as she woke up from her nap she wanted to go "swimming, swimming," so as soon as I finished cooking dinner we were back there again, this time with Langston. Langston doesn't like the water, and gets really concerned when Anjali is in the wading pool, so he'll come up to the edge to check on her, and then gets splashed for his trouble. Very entertaining to watch.

Still no insurance cards. Fai is starting to harass those guys. Wouldn't be a big deal if I wasn't pregnant and sick. Yep, still sick. Learning to live with it. The baby though is very active. I'm getting kicked as I write this. I think it's a boy this time. If it's a boy, Fai wants it to be a junior. I don't think I'm ready for two Faiyazs. If it's a girl, the only name we've got is Cosette. Fai's idea, but I like it. I still seem to be losing weight, but have a very visible pregnancy gut going on. Fai felt the baby kick for the first time Monday night.

I'm rereading Jane Austin this summer. I recently read Sense and Sensibility, and am now reading Pride and Prejudice. Love the language. After I finish reading it, I'm going to do a Pride and Prejudice movie marathon. First I'll watch "Becoming Jane," then the Indian movie "Bride and Prejudice" then the newer version of "Pride and Prejudice" followed up by the classic A&E version, which is by far my favorite and the best book made movie ever.

So that's it, our lazy summer days spent in the wading pool with Langston circling with concern.

More random news

2008-07-16T11:59:00.002-04:00

Work on the novel goes slowly, with lots of interruptions. I've got to get it done, it's just finding the time. Yesterday was Faiyaz's birthday. I made him a two layer spice cake, and while my decorating skills still to not equal Jasmine's they are much improved. It's only the third time I've frosted a two layer cake. Anjali and I also made him a glitter crown and a home made card that Anjali took particular care in painted.

Sickness wise I've been feeling better, and am only sick when I eat a normal size meal. Our insurance cards should get here this week.

And that's about it. Today I'm going to be doing a lot of housework, including the ever-popular task o washing the dog. I'm going to try to cut the grass in the backyard as a surprise for Faiyaz, who's planning on cutting it when he gets home today, but I know he's going to be too tired. Not sure if I'll be able to, the lawn mower back there came with the house and is as of yet untested. We'll see...

Four years

2008-07-10T13:23:00.003-04:00

Today is our four year anniversary. We're going economical this year, dinner and a movie. Cliche I know, but we haven't been to the movies in a long time. Thank goodness we have awesome neighbors who are going to babysit for us! I love Faiyaz, I love everything we share.

Anjali is almost potty trained. She's having very few accidents. She doesn't want to use public restrooms, however. We're getting there, slowly but surely. She's coloring with markers right now. She knows a lot of shapes, although colors are still a little confusing.

And I can feel the baby kick...alot. I'll be 19 weeks on Saturday. I haven't been as sick lately, which is nice. Our insurence cards should get here in a week or so, and then I'll be going to a doctor.

Still working on the book every now and then. Slowly it's getting done. I've found several major changes that need to be made. A long way left to go.

there's a lot to be said for knowing your way

2008-06-10T09:25:00.002-04:00

Yesterday was Fai's first day at the new job, and my first day driving in Woodbridge without the GPS. All i had to do was find the way to Sam's to buy diapers. We've driven by there at least five times. Simple, right? It took me an hour and a half to make a fifteen minute drive. I had my cell phone with me, and knew that at any moment I could call my neighbor who works from home, but I was so certain I could remember the way on my own that I continued to drive up and down the Prince William Parkway looking for the street to turn on to get to Sam's. Finally, I couldn't do it any more, and called my neighbor. He told me that the street I was looking for was Worth Ave. Yes, this is another cheesy analogy, but I'll let you make the connections for this one on your own. It's amazing what I learn from making mistakes and being stubborn.

So this is Virginia. I think I can live here. I'm learning to live here. I can now make it to Sam's and the mall with no problems. That's something, right?

And something more: I'm fourteen weeks pregnant. We've kept it secret because of the miscarriage earlier this year, but I'm pregnant, and so far everything is going great, besides me being sick as usual, lol.

A Word On Writing

2008-05-18T16:35:00.002-04:00

I know I said this blog would mainly be on writing, and while I've enjoyed indulging in my own musing, I do wish to say that I'm getting that "itch" again. For a while after the miscarriage, I just didn't feel like writing, and then things started happening with the move. Now I'm bogged down in boxes, but I've got that itch. My brilliant friend who I was counting on for help has gotten too busy to finish reading the novel at this time, so I've got to bare down and get through the editing myself. She did give me 75 pages worth of good notes to get started on. My plan, which of course I can't enact until after the move, is to first read those notes, then reprint the novel, divided by chapters. Then I plan to do a plot sketch on each chapter, to get a better look at the overall plot. I already know the ending is rushed, so the final chapter or two need to get beefed up some. Then, still looking at it chapter by chapter, I will examine the characters and their dialogue. Are they real? Is the dialogue believable? There's a women who pops up near the beginning who I either need to get rid of completely, or tie in later on. Then on to the details! I'm hoping that a chapter-by-chapter break down will make the manuscript more accessible for editing. At least I now have the enthusiasm for the work, now I just need the time...hopefully within the next month or so, once we're settled in...

So that's where I am writing-wise. I'm also plotting the next one some, and working on characters for it...

The Last Trip

2008-05-18T16:21:00.002-04:00

Yesterday was my own "walk down memory lane" so to speak. I went to Cherokee sink with Marquesas and Shelley. It was so different from five years ago, no longer as wild and uncivilized. I taught a good friend to swim there, and we went four or more times a week, very early before the sun was up. On those morning it had the feel of an undiscovered paradise, and it felt like it was mine, all mine. Yesterday there were boardwalks and a diving platform, an area had been fenced off, and there were signs about no food. So different. We sat on our blanket, and ate our donuts in defiance, and talking about how different all our lives were. As usual, I was the first (and as it happened, the only) to climb down into the water. As I swam my traditional lap across, I didn't get the usual feeling of power and control, instead I felt small and alone. I've become too grown up, my last shreds of fearlessness have faded. I thought about Faiyaz, and Anjali, and the morning they were having without me. I thought about our move, and how sad it was that even though I hadn't come here in years, I soon wouldn't be able to come again. Swimming back to the rock where Marquesas and Shelley sat, I tried to think of how many times we had come here together, and found them too numerous to recall. I want to go to all my old haunts, to Five Holes, and to Blue Springs, and the Swanee river in Madison, I want to camp at St. George again, I want to relive all of those memories before I'm too far away to do so. I know that, somewhere in Virginia, there's a lake or pond or something where I will one day go with Anjali, and teach her to swim, and that will be her special place. I know there are beaches up there, and state parks, and lots of adventures just waiting for my family. I know that those memories will be just as dear, or more so, and they'll be our memories. I know this is right for our family, but at the same time I find myself clinging to here. The days are counting down, and I've got to let go...just like I let go of the rocks yesterday, and let my body slip into the water despite it's morning chill.

Planning the Move

2008-05-07T16:25:00.002-04:00

This past weekend we made the long drive up to Virginia and DC once more in search of a rental house. Anjali was remarkably good for a two year old trapped in a car for fourteen hours. We looked at six houses in one afternoon, Anjali trooping through each of them, dragging her Dora bag filled with books. It is impossible to find a single level house in Virginia, but Anjali did well on the stairs. She's learning to be careful, and tried to hold on to handrails as much as possible. We found a three-level townhouse in Woodbridge that we liked, and found out earlier today that we've been approved for it! It's white with red shutters, and has a great kitchen. The yard is a little small, but it backs to a big common area that's really nice. I think we're really going to enjoy living there. We'll have a lot more space than we do now. The commute for Faiyaz will be a little longer than we'd hope for, but other than that it's a great area. So here's hoping for a smooth move! I've got to get more boxes and do more packing.

We spent the weekend with Faiyaz's cousin who is going to George Washington University in DC. Parking was ridiculous, and I think I gained three pounds eating out, but it was a really nice visit. We took a nice walk along the Potomac river on this sidewalk right on the edge with huge gnarled trees overshadowing it, some of their branched only inches from our heads. It was the perfect day to be walking in DC; sunny, breezy, and lacking the full heat of midsummer. I could picture us there on a Saturday, strolling along, pausing to sit on the benched or run up the hill through the trees...a very pretty picture. We also took Anjali to the National Zoo, but of course by then she was too tired to enjoy it for long, so we only stayed about two hours. We saw the elephants, hippos, cheetahs, pandas, and apes before leaving. Then we found this great Indian restaurant with food mild enough for me! Besides the insane amount of driving and the sleep deprivation, a very good trip.

Caves

2008-04-29T19:59:00.002-04:00

Yesterday Faiyaz and I took Anjali to Florida Caverns State Park. I hadn't been since I was a young child, and was restless for an adventure. For Faiyaz and Anjali, this was a first visit. As we took the tour of the caverns, Anjali was so excited to explore, and walk around looking at all the people and the formations of the cave. There were dark, still pools, towering columns, and stalactites and stalagmites that resembled everything from ducks, to families, to Homer Simpson. As I followed behind Anjali, I became increasing aware of all the dangers on the tour. Yes, there was a clear path, and yes, there was lighting, but there were also slipper stretches, unexpected dips, and dark cervices that someone Anjali's size could be swallowed up in. At one point, as we walked along a tunnel connecting two caverns, I looked to the side, and saw a deep hole just large enough for her to have been lost in. When I looked ahead, Anjali was far ahead of me. I ran towards her, afraid of any more unexpected holes near the path. In the caverns, we looked at the ceilings, and saw the remains of prehistoric fish, and even a shark tooth. This may sound predictable, but afterwards I couldn't help but to compare the tour through the caverns to our experience in mortality. We pass through the dark tunnels, we stare in awe at creation, we travel so long we forget what the light outside is like. The cool and damp make us forget the warm. Like Anjali, we don't always understand when we are led aware from pitfalls, either through the Spirit or through listening to the Prophets. Sometime we might even kick and scream against it. Then, at the end, we ascend, the door is open, and daylight and warmth flood us. Please don't think this trite. As I thought back to following Anjali, alert to any danger she might not see, I had an inkling of what Heavenly Father must feel as he watches us through our mortal lives. Beyond that, it was a wonderful trip. We went on some of the trails, and ended up walking around for two and half hours. The mosquitoes were exceptionally persistent, we had to use a lot of bug spray, but other than that, a great trip. And Anjali slept the whole way home.

A Wonderful Walk

2008-04-24T23:03:00.002-04:00

Today Langston and I braved the heavy traffic on Tharpe street to walk to the San Luise dog park near our home. We've driven there a few times, but I'm never tried walking it before, and was nervous, but poor Langston really needed the exercise, and Faiyaz's family was with Anjali, so off we went. It took us about twenty-five minutes to get there, going at a brisk pace, Langston pulling the leash the whole way. Late afternoon, the sun starting to decline behind us as we went. We took a side road, a peaceful path with the cars on Tharpe zooming by only about twenty feet away. Langston's tongue, purple and pink, flapping out his mouth as he strained to move ahead. He's gotten so little time outside lately, I think he felt despate to move. A little sweat on the back of my neck, the constant pounding of my feet on pavement the only things spoiling a beautiful, sunny day. When we waited at the crosswalk, a girl in a car at the light watch Langston, and I felt the pride any dog owner feels when their beloved pet was admired. At the park, I sat and watched him romp with the other dogs for about an hour, then we met up with Anjali and my sister-in-law at the playground. I don't know when or how I can repeat the experience, it's not a walk Anjali can take, but it brought me a great deal of peace. It's a simple act, to walk your dog. I think in my next book, "The Good Wife," I'm going to give my main character a dog to walk. With all the bad stuff I've got planned for her, she'll need something like that to help her think things through. I highly recommend going out and having a nice long walk with your dog. If you don't have one, see about borrowing one for the day. Especially for you mommys, it's so different from taking a walk with your child. When I walk with Anjali, we go in spurts, slowly then suddenly running, then stopping. Along the way I point out the trees, the birds, the cars, I'm constantly talking to her about things and colors and shapes....it's good for her, but exhausting for me. It's very different to move at a steady, brisk pace, no talking, but still know you're doing a good deed for a fellow creature. No wonder they say having a pet is theraputic. It's nice to have something that's easily pleased.

An Introduction

2008-04-20T23:35:00.000-04:00

I am a stay at home mother and a writer. For some reason, when I tell people this they seem to think that the writing is a side note. I love being a mother, and love my daughter very much. At the same time, I can remember when I was eleven, and first realized that I wanted to write. Emily Dickinson became an obsession, and I began scribbling down bad poetry at every chance. I didn't know then that it was bad, and I felt such a thrill to be writing, to be getting words down on paper. That thrill has never left me, although thankfully my prose is much improved since then. I can't help wondering though, if ten years from now when I read the stuff I'm writing now, if it will then seem as bad to me as the stuff I wrote at age eleven?