Wednesday, August 27, 2008

From "The Death of Flora May"

This is a scene from Chapter Four in "The Death of Flora May" that I'd like feed back on. Charlotte is trying to build a relationship with her estranged mother Flora as she (Flora) is dying of lung cancer. At the same time, Charlotte and her husband Kevin have been trying to conceive for over a year. This is an argument they have after breakfast. Faiyaz gave me some good pointers for this scene, but one of them I didn't agree with, so I want to see if anyone else has the same thoughts he did. Here we go.

The omelets were a little runny. Charlotte chewed, the warm cheese mixing with the liquid. He must have forgotten to drain the frozen spinach, she thought.
“Next weekend I thought we could do something to celebrate me surviving this week. That’s if I survive, of course.”
“I was actually wondering if you’d go with me to Tallahassee on Saturday.”
“Why?”
“So you can meet my mom,” she said, making it sound the most natural thing to do.
“Why would I want to meet her?” His eyes shone dangerously.
“Please, Kevin.”
“That woman is horrible. I don’t even understand why you are going all the way out there to see her.”
“Because she’s my mom, Kevin, no matter how horrible she is. I have to go.”
“You don’t have to do anything, you’re choosing to go.”
“If I don’t go, she’s going to die alone. No one else is visiting,” she said.
“Then let her die alone!”
“Kevin!”
“She deserves it!”
“No one deserves that. And if she dies all alone, with no visitors, then I’ll feel guilty for the rest of my life, knowing I could have been there for her.”
“She pushed you away, she pushed everyone away, so let her die alone,” he said, anger beginning to show in his voice.
“She’s different now, Kevin, I don’t know how to explain it. It’s like this cancer has beaten something in her. She’s already given up. She’s not like she used to be.” Charlotte thought back to their last visit, how talking with her mother had almost felt normal.
“I can tell you why she’s different, she’s using you. She’s just going to suck you in until nothing’s left, that’s what she’s doing.”
“You don’t understand; she’s dying!” Charlotte could feel her face reddening in frustration.
“She wouldn’t even come to her only daughter’s wedding! That’s not natural, Charlotte.”
“She’s only got a few months left!”
“I can still remember you crying on our wedding day, because your mother wouldn’t come, and your father was dead.”
“I have to do this!”
“There were no family members on the bride’s side, just your old college roommates and a few friends!” he said, beginning to shout.
“Why can’t you understand?”
“Your only living relative, and she wasn’t there!”
“Please come meet her, you’ll see.”
“Charlotte, I don’t want you driving around like this when you’re pregnant. You could be pregnant now. What if you were in a car wreck? You could miscarry.”
Charlotte’s face clouded with tears.
“I’m not pregnant, Kevin. My period came last night. I’m never going to be pregnant.”
She turned, and went into the bathroom, tears blurring her vision as she went into the bathroom closet and pulled out a large bucket of cleaning supplies. When she came back into the living room, Kevin was still standing in the kitchen, holding a coffee cup and looking as if something heavy had just hit him. The kitchen had lost some of its brilliance; clouds were starting to cover the sun outside.
“Just, just go, Kevin, go somewhere.”
“Where?”
“In the bedroom, to your office, anywhere. I want to be alone.”
“Can I do anything?” he asked, not looking at her as he spoke.
“No, please, I just don’t want to be around you right now.”
“Alright.”
Kevin went into the bedroom for a few moments. He came out with his laptop and briefcase. Charlotte felt almost certain he was heading to his favorite coffee house.
“I’ll be home this afternoon, alright?”
“Alright, that’s fine. I’m sorry,” she said.
“It’s okay, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have brought up, I just didn’t know.”
“I know.”
Kevin opened the front door onto a dark grey sky threatening rain. After it closed, Charlotte looked out the back kitchen windows. Over the ocean the sky remained a brilliant blue, sun light reflecting on the white sand. For a few moments she thought about walking on the beach before the rain, but she knew the storm was coming up too fast. She could feel it now that she was paying attention, the tension in the air that comes before lightning. Even as she watched, the view out the back began to change. Clouds covered the house, their shadows spreading out over the sand, onto the beach, and then out over the water. Charlotte looked out at a patch of ocean by the horizon, shining and reflecting the morning sun, and then it too was covered by the dark heavy cloud.

This scene is followed by Charlotte doing a stress-clean of her home, and then of course Kevin coming home and them making up.

6 comments:

Jenn said...

Was this Fai's version or yours? Sounds really good...I want the whole book now!...sounds like it could be pretty sad though?

Jennifer said...

the description of the beach is great! I'll be waiting to buy a copy.

Unknown said...

hey olivia. It's megan from the YMCA, I use to work with Marquesas and Kelsey. Anyhow I checked out and joined Courage and Encouragement through Marquesas's blog and I have to say that was amazing. I am already tied to the characters and wanting more. Let me know when you get it published I would love to read it!

Mrs. Blimes said...

looks like all positive feedback for ya!!! not much constructive criticism going on! i guess thats a good sign eh!!!

Unknown said...

well, Olivia, everyone is saying sweet comments. ANd I know if you are like me, you want people to be brutal. I will be that person in your life.

I don't understand Kevin's anger. Why can't he understand. I mean, yes, she has done awful things, but there has to be some type of understanding. If not, and the conflict lies in the fact that he WON'T allow it, then I think it needs more meat. The part about him saying that maybe she was pregnant and he didn't want her to drive seemed a bit over the top dramatic to me. However, I amsure there is back story about her trying to get pregnant that is in the first three chapters?

Anyway, you asked and I am a tough critic.


That being said, great job...this is going places...the title alone totally grabbed my attention!!!

Olivia said...

Thanks D'Arcy, yes, I'd forgot to mention they'd been trying for over a year...which is a stresser. Kevin's character I've struggled with, he's a good guy but doesn't deal well with stress. Fai doesn't like this scene because when the dialogue gets heated the description of the setting fades away...he thinks it should be more grounded, but when I add more description, I feel like I'm interrupting...I now what to e-mail you my book, lol, to see if you think I pulled off Kevin's personality throughout the rest of the book. He really was/is a tough guy to write.

Oh, and it's impossible to be too harsh. I love workshoping pieces and getting feedback, I'm the crazy person who will completely rewrite a poem twenty times...but I tend to get to a point when I need fresh eyes to look things over.

However, I must add that praise is always a good ego boost, especially when I'm frazzled with editing and second-guessing the whole project. So I appreciate both. While the former is more productive towards polishing the finished product, the latter gives me a little ump to keep working.

Seriously, got time to read about 375 pages?