out of the mouth of babes....

A Conversation from the Car...

Faiyaz: "Okay, Anjali, that's your last piece of candy for a while. You've had too much sugar."

Anjali: "It's sugar, it's good. I love it."

Olivia: "I know it tastes good, sweety, but it's not good for your body."

Anjali: "It's my body."

Olivia: "Yes, and you have to take care of it, it has to last you your whole life."

Anjali: "It's my life."

At this point, of course, Faiyaz and I just cracked up laughing. Yes, Anjali really said all that, she's two and a half. No idea where she got that from, we monitor her TV viewing really closely too. We're in serious trouble when she gets to be a teenager...

You get the idea, I'm sure. The fun part was the baby loved the rubbing, she kicked the whole time!

I'm trying to glory in my pregnant belly. When I just look down, it doesn't look so pretty, and when I'm walking/waddling, I feel very large. But seeing pictures of it helps me realize how beautiful this belly really is.

And what belly wouldn't be beautiful with Anjali's art on it?

Changes

This morning the air outside is decidedly chill here in Virginia. Inside I'm feeling restless. There is change coming. Today I'm pacing around the house, doing little things, playing with Anjali. I don't really feel like going anywhere, but inside is getting dull. Maybe after nap time we'll go to a park or something. Ironically, I don't feel lonely here until it's me and Anjali on a playground with no one else around, so I've been avoiding it. But change is coming, and the part of me that spent almost every waking hour of childhood out of doors is finding it hard to sit at home while things are going on in the world. I think tomorrow I will try to convince Fai for us to go to a near by state park and go down the walking trails, and watch the world get ready for winter. Maybe we'll take Langston too, and he can scare the squirrels as they forage. It's October. For Halloween, I'm going to wear black tights and an orange shirt with a jack-o-lantern face on it. I want to find something cute for Anjali, she will most likely want to be a princess. We've got to find out where to go trick-or-treating here. I think there's something very poetic about being pregnant in the fall. As all the world gets ready to celebrate the harvest, I'm about to experience a very different harvest. I love the descriptive words that go along with pregnancy, words like fertility and ripe. I think of large, round things, things like pumpkins, gourds and squash. Of statues of round, fat women, fertility goddesses. In a way, I am glad that a woman's worth is no longer dependent on her ability to have children, but at the same time I think we've lost some of our reverence for the process of growing a child. The more science has explained it away, the less mystical it seems. I feel like a fat fertility goddess. I'm tired of pregnant women talking about weight gain and how much dieting they're going to have to do to fit into their old clothes. I'm also tired of women complimenting me on not gaining a lot of weight (most of them don't know I've lost weight) I WANT to gain weight, I want to fill out nicely, not just my belly. My belly is too small, I want it round and full like a giant pumpkin. Skinny is over rated. No one buys the skinny pumpkin in the store. I want to dress in reds, oranges, and browns. I want to fill my house with leaves and pine cones. I want pumpkin-scented candles, and pumpkin pie, and a large pumpkin to carve. I'm going to look up my recipe for gingerbread, and if I have everything for it, I'm going to make a million ginger bread pumpkins. Remember last year, Marquesas, when we tried to make gingerbread houses at girl's night, and they wouldn't stand up, so we ate gingerbread cover in cream cheese frosting and sprinkles? And all the Halloween candy? I wish I could fill up on candy corn, but I know it will only make me sick. There is change in the air today, summer is over and fall is coming. I don't often think of fall as a season, usually it's just there as a brief interlude before winter, but this year I am a fertility goddess preparing to celebrate the season of the harvest.

the strangest things...

Okay, okay, I told myself I wouldn't bore you kind people with blogs on this any more, but here we go again...

Lately I've just been aggravated with the whole situation, and again went through the standard home remedies. If someone told me that eating pickles upside down would help, I'd probably try it. Anyway, so I'd just given up, and made myself a sour cream bunt cake with lots of cinnamon and brown sugar and a thick home-made glaze (glaze is nothing but butter and sugar with a tiny bit of milk) so yeah, not healthy. I spent all day yesterday nibbling that while I made dinner. A fatty roast beef in the crockpot, peas, instant mashed potatoes with home-made grave (skimmings from crockpot plus flour) And, since the roast smelled so good, I decided to try some, even though I thought it would surely hurt my throat.

Then it was bathtime, storytime, prayer, and bed. I've started reading "Little House on the Prairie" to Anjali. Yes, I know she's too young to really understand it, but she lays still next to me (or as still as a two year old can lay) and listens. When we come to the pictures, she points to them and I stop and we talk about them. Remarkable for two. We're reading it more for me than for her, but she likes it and as my dad says, it's laying a good foundation.

Shortly thereafter, we went to bed too. This is normally when my nightly torture begins. I always try to sleep first, but the threatening nasuea keeps me up till the wee hours, when at last I stagger/run to the toilet. Somehow, last night, I fell asleep, and made it through the night. Yesterday was the first day in weeks that I made it all day without being sick. No herbs, no bland food, I did nothing special. I've run it over in my head so many times, and truelly can't see a reason but sheer luck. I'm not getting my hopes up for a repeat.

Today I have noticed that I have to use the bathroom at least twice as much as Anjali. :) I also noticed that when I'm standing straight up I can no longer see my toes. I need to get some family pictures with the belly. I've got some great ones from when I was pregnant with Anjali. Of course, I don't know anyone here to get to take them...gotta figure that out.

And today I recieved two more rejectiong e-mails. Total of three. Need to send out more letters, but opting for a nap today instead.

Pretty boring, mundane stuff. Played with Langston, gave him a flee bath. He's loving the cooler weather. Hoping to take him on a nice long walk this weekend. Did laundry, clean kitchen, bemourned the fact that I have no papertowels and no motivation to leave the house today to buy paper towels. Colored with Anjali on the dry erase board, did puzzles. Our basement is finally in one piece again, and back to its function of being Anjali's play room. I'm so lame, I organized her toys and things into centers, it looks like a day care down there. She seems happy with it, and she's putting her own things up, so it must be working.

Currently, she only wants to eat cereal, yogart, peanutbutter sandwiches (that's right, no jelly) and mac and cheese. Very odd. Also some fruit, like grapes and bananas, peas are okay too. I tried to give her some canned pears with her lunch today, that didn't work. Very odd. I'm convinced it's just a phase, just a very annoying one.

I think when things settle down (meaning we're in the rythem of having two kids instead of one) I want to get an AS in drafting. Fai's suggested I start another degree, and there's no master programs in writing near here, nor BA programs in journalism. I'm such a nerd, I miss school. We've been talking about building our next house, and although I'd love an old rambling fixer-upper, the idea of designing the house myself has it's appeal. My mother did drafting, and while I was in elementary school I'd draw out little house plans in my notebooks. Gotta look into what programs are around here and all that.

Rambling over. Think I'm going to get some cake and take a nap now...

sick and tired

So you're all probably sick of hearing me whine, which is why I haven't blogged in so long. Being pregnant is becoming all-consuming unfortunately.

I'm 8 lbs lighter than before I got pregnant, I think I might have lost another pound as well. My wedding ring is almost falling off. 10 and a half weeks to go.

Thought I'd share my current diet with ya'll. I tried eating super healthy for a while, but that seemed to be harder on my throat. So I've given it up, and have reverted to a comfort diet, namely anything that won't damage my poor throat any more (it's really really raw now, and hurts all the time) Ice cream and sushi. yum. It doesn't stay down, but it doesn't hurt coming up.

I've become a master of making California rolls, they've become the main staple in my diet. With just a tiny tiny bit of soy sauce, it's lunch and dinner. Anjali will not try them, and Fai is sick of them, but whatever doesn't make the throat worse, right?

Bryer's Sara Lee Strawberry Cheesecake ice cream. Sigh! That, and the toffe heath bar. So good on the throat going down, and no damage coming up.

So who wouldn't like to lose weight on a diet like this?

All joking aside, i'm really worried. I know the baby's okay, but I feel like I'm wasting away. What's going to be left of me when this is over?

I doubt it will be long after the baby's born before I gain all the weight back. I've been wanting a big juicy burger for weeks now.

Seasons

Right now I am struggling with this pregnancy. I've lost the pound that I gained, so once again I weigh 7 pounds less than before I got pregnant. I'm 27 weeks, 13 more to go. I don't know how I'm going to handle another three months of this. I'm tired, light headed, and constantly sick. I feel unable to care for my home or my daughter, and I'm worried about this baby. At my last dr. apt, the doctor (a man, and we all know how I don't like male doctors) wasn't worried at all. I'm going back on Friday, and I'm hoping when they see the scale they'll be a little concerned. The expensive medicine I'm taking doesn't seem to help at all. Three more months? Seriously?

I've be looking at my life a lot, all the things I'm trying to juggle while throwing up, all the things I want to do, and I'm remembering something I started telling myself in high school, and that's to just be happy in the season you're in. Sometimes we get so caught up with all the things we want out of life we're always focused on the future and not the present. While being sick is not fun, this is the last three months Anjali will be an only child. Hopefully it's the end of the potty training. It's the end of summer, soon it's going to start getting cold. I don't like the cold. It's the end of a novel, my editing will be done soon. It's that quit time before the rejection letters start coming in. It's my last few months before the newborn period, when you're drowning in exhaustion. It won't be long before Anjali goes to preschool. This is my season. Our lives may not seem long, but we all go through so many periods of change in them, it's hard to remember that each moment is transient. Being in high school, being single, being a parent of young children, we all try to rush through these times, especially when they seem hard or tedious, but each hold precious moments that once they pass we can never reclaim. There's a certain charm to being a broke student, and looking back things seemed simpler. A few night ago I was remember when Fai and I just got married, and it was just us in that little apartment. So strange, I can barely remember life without Anjali and the animals, I can't remember what we use to do with our time together. I remember movies and the mall, going to dinner, etc, but it seems foreign. I think I prefer the playground, the walks in the park, pizza night with "princess movie" But this too shall pass, Anjali and this new one will be going to school, making friends, growing up. It all seems too short, but I guess it's what keeps life interesting.

From "The Death of Flora May"

This is a scene from Chapter Four in "The Death of Flora May" that I'd like feed back on. Charlotte is trying to build a relationship with her estranged mother Flora as she (Flora) is dying of lung cancer. At the same time, Charlotte and her husband Kevin have been trying to conceive for over a year. This is an argument they have after breakfast. Faiyaz gave me some good pointers for this scene, but one of them I didn't agree with, so I want to see if anyone else has the same thoughts he did. Here we go.

The omelets were a little runny. Charlotte chewed, the warm cheese mixing with the liquid. He must have forgotten to drain the frozen spinach, she thought.
“Next weekend I thought we could do something to celebrate me surviving this week. That’s if I survive, of course.”
“I was actually wondering if you’d go with me to Tallahassee on Saturday.”
“Why?”
“So you can meet my mom,” she said, making it sound the most natural thing to do.
“Why would I want to meet her?” His eyes shone dangerously.
“Please, Kevin.”
“That woman is horrible. I don’t even understand why you are going all the way out there to see her.”
“Because she’s my mom, Kevin, no matter how horrible she is. I have to go.”
“You don’t have to do anything, you’re choosing to go.”
“If I don’t go, she’s going to die alone. No one else is visiting,” she said.
“Then let her die alone!”
“Kevin!”
“She deserves it!”
“No one deserves that. And if she dies all alone, with no visitors, then I’ll feel guilty for the rest of my life, knowing I could have been there for her.”
“She pushed you away, she pushed everyone away, so let her die alone,” he said, anger beginning to show in his voice.
“She’s different now, Kevin, I don’t know how to explain it. It’s like this cancer has beaten something in her. She’s already given up. She’s not like she used to be.” Charlotte thought back to their last visit, how talking with her mother had almost felt normal.
“I can tell you why she’s different, she’s using you. She’s just going to suck you in until nothing’s left, that’s what she’s doing.”
“You don’t understand; she’s dying!” Charlotte could feel her face reddening in frustration.
“She wouldn’t even come to her only daughter’s wedding! That’s not natural, Charlotte.”
“She’s only got a few months left!”
“I can still remember you crying on our wedding day, because your mother wouldn’t come, and your father was dead.”
“I have to do this!”
“There were no family members on the bride’s side, just your old college roommates and a few friends!” he said, beginning to shout.
“Why can’t you understand?”
“Your only living relative, and she wasn’t there!”
“Please come meet her, you’ll see.”
“Charlotte, I don’t want you driving around like this when you’re pregnant. You could be pregnant now. What if you were in a car wreck? You could miscarry.”
Charlotte’s face clouded with tears.
“I’m not pregnant, Kevin. My period came last night. I’m never going to be pregnant.”
She turned, and went into the bathroom, tears blurring her vision as she went into the bathroom closet and pulled out a large bucket of cleaning supplies. When she came back into the living room, Kevin was still standing in the kitchen, holding a coffee cup and looking as if something heavy had just hit him. The kitchen had lost some of its brilliance; clouds were starting to cover the sun outside.
“Just, just go, Kevin, go somewhere.”
“Where?”
“In the bedroom, to your office, anywhere. I want to be alone.”
“Can I do anything?” he asked, not looking at her as he spoke.
“No, please, I just don’t want to be around you right now.”
“Alright.”
Kevin went into the bedroom for a few moments. He came out with his laptop and briefcase. Charlotte felt almost certain he was heading to his favorite coffee house.
“I’ll be home this afternoon, alright?”
“Alright, that’s fine. I’m sorry,” she said.
“It’s okay, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have brought up, I just didn’t know.”
“I know.”
Kevin opened the front door onto a dark grey sky threatening rain. After it closed, Charlotte looked out the back kitchen windows. Over the ocean the sky remained a brilliant blue, sun light reflecting on the white sand. For a few moments she thought about walking on the beach before the rain, but she knew the storm was coming up too fast. She could feel it now that she was paying attention, the tension in the air that comes before lightning. Even as she watched, the view out the back began to change. Clouds covered the house, their shadows spreading out over the sand, onto the beach, and then out over the water. Charlotte looked out at a patch of ocean by the horizon, shining and reflecting the morning sun, and then it too was covered by the dark heavy cloud.

This scene is followed by Charlotte doing a stress-clean of her home, and then of course Kevin coming home and them making up.